Just a few days ago, I was chatting with a fellow foster parent. Through our conversation, this parent mentioned to me that people around her have tried to comfort her with assurances that God has a plan for her and for the foster children that have been in her home and that are currently in her home. While this is a very common way for people to try to comfort those who are grieving, it tends to minimize and invalidate the feelings of those who are grieving, as if we’re supposed to say “Oh, you’re right, God has a plan. Well, then, I am happy that the child that I loved is gone!”
I want to address ways not to comfort foster parents when they are grieving the loss of a foster child and discuss some ways to help foster parents when they are grieving.
First and foremost, recognize that foster parents are grieving! Sometimes, the grief begins well before any there appears to be a reason for grief. For me, the grieving began the minute our foster son came to live with us. Why would I be grieving then? We had just been placed with our foster son! It was supposed to be a joyous occasion. But, until that point, we had not had a face to face conversation with our foster son’s case worker, nor had we met our foster son. As soon as we had live, interactive communication with the case worker, she informed us that our foster son was not going to be considered legal risk (and thus possibly available for adoption) as we had been told previously, but that he was going to be considered straight foster care. We began grieving at that moment because our hope was to adopt our foster son.
I remember after having our foster son for only three days, while making an emergency run to Babies R Us, I sobbed the entire drive to the store and the entire drive home. It had only been three short days (OK, they were kind of long because I was getting almost NO sleep with a newborn for whom we had been given only 48 hours notice before his placement with us) and already I could not imagine letting him go. I was in love and had willingly given my heart to him because EVERY child, regardless of whether they will be in my home for one hour, one day, one year, or forever, deserves the love of the parents who have been blessed with the responsibility of caring for that child.
Second, recognize that foster parents’ grief is not lessened because we know that there is the possibility, or even certainty, that the child may be removed from our home. Assuming that there is less grief because there is foreknowledge of the possibility of loss is the equivalent of saying to someone with a terminally ill child “Oh, you won’t grieve nearly as much because you know that they’re going to die.” Do you see the similarity here? Yes, we know that there is a possibility that we may lose our foster children; there is even the chance that it will be a positive thing for the child. It does not hurt any less!!!
Third, recognize that for foster parents, sometimes there is no closure for the grief. I do not want to minimze the experience of any parent who has experienced the death of a child, however, for foster parents whose foster children move on to live with another family, if no further contact with the foster family is allowed, there is no closure as there would be if the child had died (I am NOT saying that it would be better if the child had died, please know that). Death is final. There is closure. A foster child’s placement with another family with no further contact with the former foster family gives no closure. This can be torturous! Think of this in terms of a parent whose child has gone missing and is never found. It is often a far greater challenge for those parents to move on because they will always wonder about that child. Foster parents will often experience a similar (I know it is NOT THE SAME, but it’s the best analogy I can think of) lack of closure.
Fourth, for those who are believers in Christ, please remember that although as believers we can grieve with hope for other believers, for our foster children, we may not have that hope of seeing our foster children again, even in heaven, because our foster children may not become believers in Christ. We may not know this side of heaven, if we will ever see our foster children again. The believing parent who loses a believing child or a child too young to make that decision, may take solace in the knowledge that they will see their children again in heaven. As foster parents, we may not have such assurances that we will see our foster children again. There is not always the same hope available in our grief.
Also recognize that a foster parent may be grieving because of the knowledge of where the foster child has been placed. When a foster child is returned to a home in which they have previously experienced abuse, recognize that the foster parent does not have the assurance that the child is in a better place. To the contrary, while there is the hope that the behavior that resulted in the placement of the child in foster care in the first place will not be repeated, there can be no assurance of that. For some foster parents, they know that their children are being placed in a home that is most definitely NOT a better place. Do not constantly remind the foster parent of this fact by reminding them how much better off the child would have been with the foster parent, but do be aware that this may be yet another factor in the foster parent’s grief.
Fifth, do not assume or imply that foster children are replaceable. I have had well meaning people say to me, and I’ve even said it myself, that if we lose our foster son, then we will be able to open our home to another child and help even more children. Although this may be true, and I can take some comfort in it, there will never be another child who will smile like our current foster son. There will never be another child who will laugh (or scream) like our current foster son. Again, this goes back to the basics of comforting someone who is grieving. You should never tell a parent who had a biological child who died to take comfort in the fact that they can always have more children. The same holds true for foster parents. Just because we can help another child, and we may be able to foster again, it does not lessen the pain of losing the child that we had. Some foster parents are never able to foster again because the hurt of losing their foster children was just too much for them to risk going through it again.
Another difficult thing for foster parents to hear is that God has a plan for us and/or for our foster child. For those of us who believe the, yes, we know that God has a plan. Yes, we trust that God’s plan is for the ultimate good. No, this does not make the hurt any less intense. The facts are that we love our foster children as our children and when we lose our children, it hurts. Even if it is God’s plan, it still hurts.
What can you do, then, to comfort the grieving foster parent?
Acknowledge how much the foster parent loves their foster child. Acknowledge the grief that the foster parent is feeling. Allow the foster parent to grieve, just as you would allow a biological parent to grieve the death of their biological child. Grieve with the foster parent. Come alongside that foster parent and walk beside them on their journey through their grief. Expect the grief to be very similar to the grief of someone who has lost a child to a long battle with a terminal illness. Expect the grief to cycle through all the stages of grief: denial (maybe the foster child will be returned to our home), anger (how could the court system do this to my child), bargaining (if we keep calling the social worker and expressing our love for our foster child, maybe they won’t remove him from our home, or maybe they’ll return him to us), depression (sadness over no longer being able to see our foster child, hold our foster child, or perhaps even know how our foster child is doing), and finally, hopefully, acceptance. Unless you have been in the shoes of the foster parent, and even if you have, but you have since moved on to another stage of life and have come to the stage of acceptance of the hurt that you experienced, do not offer the foster parent band-aids for their grief. Allow the open wound of the loss of their foster child to be exposed. Encourage the foster parent to share their feelings. Provide opportunity for the tears that will come to be shed in a supportive and loving environment. Pray for the foster parent, but don’t expect them to be able to pray for themselves or to even want to pray at times. When you love someone so completely and so unselfishly as to say “I know you may leave, but I am going to give you all that I have anyway”, when they leave, part of your heart is torn out and leaves with them and the jagged, bleeding, wound is left to be healed. Be part of the healing process for the foster parent by allowing them to grieve and by avoiding the common mistakes mentioned above that minimize the grief experienced by the foster parent.
If you help foster parents heal, then you will help us to help more children and hopefully, there will be fewer people in need of healing because of it.
I got on the internet today with a breaking heart and found your website. I am a foster parent and from the sound of it, in a situation much like yours. We have a little girl that has been with us since she was 24 hours old. Now 14 months later, social services is talking about reunification. I am in a fog most of the time and the rest of the time I’m in tears. Not in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. It felt good to read what you wrote. It is hard to talk to people about our situation, it feels like they can’t understand. So, thank you. I needed to know I wasn’t aone.
I know that right now there are no words to comfort you, so I will just let you know that I will be crying with you.
Thank you for this article. My family received a foster baby at 2 days old and 2 months ago we lost her at 12 months of age, unexpectedly and to a less than ideal situation. I’m still not over this loss, and many times I feel that no one quite understands. You can tell that they think as a foster parent you sign up for this, so really there’s not as much sympathy/understanding. Yes, we sign up for us because we love kids and we want to help them, but that does not diminish the enourmous feeling of loss and grief when they leave. I wish more people understood this and often I wish there was more support for foster parents to help them through this grief process so that they can eventually take more placements. If you love the kids like you’re supposed to and pour so much energy, time, and resources into them to help them recover from abuse/neglect, then, yes, it’s going to be incredibly painful when they leave.
Thank you. I’m having a hard time writing this through my tears. I can’t sleep because I am so worried about my little guy who was removed yesterday from our home. I typed in how to grieve losing a foster child.
Your words could have been written by me. I just pray and pray for him. I am so worried about him and I will have no updates on how he is doing. This is our first placement and this was the absolute hardest thing that I have ever done. Yesterday felt like a death when I had to put him in the arms of someone who only wanted him in order to get his sister.
Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.
Oh my I have had my foster son for 4 years and he was just returned a week ago and I can’t handle it. I pray daily that they screw up and he comes back. The hardest part is he has special needs and can’t express if he wants me or if he’s happy. I want to move on with an adoptin but I’m scared. By the way my son was supposed to be legally free when I got him and they lied. I know that they only fought for him because he has 2 sisters that they wanted back.
I feel so bad reading these. Our 30 year old daughter became a foster parent of a beautiful 14 day old little girl back on April 14, 2011. Her Mom choose to stay with Dad who was not fit and violent so this child was removed. Mom has also lost another child 8 yrs (this child had another father) ago and a cousin has adopted her. We have been round and round with the different case workers as there have been so many as well as Judges and one min were all told family members want her or hopefull adoption can take place. It has been so hard. Last April the family who has the sister of our Foster Granddaughter was approved to take her but backed out due to safety issues with Dad and felt this little girl is safer were she is and to keep her here, another cousin was approved in June and backed out as well. So now all looks good and hopefully permant custody can accure. Wrong, the gardian ad litem wants this baby to stay with our family and had to hire an attorney to force the agency to file for permanat custody. At this time this little girl is now 19 months old, mom stopped seeing her in march of 2012, and no other family has had interest. Now in late August of 2012 the sister of this babys dad wants her. She came up from NC for one hour. Then she came back up late September for 2 hours then again in December for 2 hours and brought a car seat hoping to take her home for the pemanent custody hearings! The childs case worker and the agencys attorney are helping this family from NC, has been lieing about different things, even had this Aunt on the stand in court in Dec for the permanant custody hearing, for what reason we don’t know. This Aunt has lied on the stand according to the gardians attorney. We have been told by one person to document everything, there is a case here. Today was a big meeting they call matching/staff meeting and they said since this is such a different case our daughter isn’t allowed to attend and they had some higher up people who normally are not there. The gaurdian wanted this little girl to stay were she is but the agency is now saying see is to go with the Aunt from NC. We have been told things don’t usually go this way. Our Granddaughter will be two this month. We love her so much and we are worried they won’t transition her so she isn’t traumatized to much. Do you have any advice for us? Does any of this make sense to you? There has been rumors that the agency made lots of mistakes but how can anything be proved. The attorney for the agency actually walked to the court to speed up the hearing. I don’t think they will transition this child since the aunt said it is too hard to leave her other children to spend time with this child.
Lori,
I am so sorry to hear what your daughter is going through with her daughter. I cannot give you any advice, really, but if your daughter can afford it, which most people cannot, I would recommend hiring an attorney who is familiar with the Adoption and Safe Families Act. Since it is foster care, you can’t really put all the details out there, but there should have been a permanency plan made somewhere around the 12th month after your granddaughter came into care. The new push, as I understand it, is for kinship care, which appeals on the surface to all, but then we start getting into these situations in which a child has already become a member of another family and is being ripped away from what she knows in order to be with biological relatives. At some point, the child’s interests need to come first. I wonder if the Aunt would be open to an ongoing relationship with your daughter and your granddaughter without having to take her from the home that she has been in for the last 2 years? With our son, we got to know his biological family very well. They are now like our family and all of his aunts and uncles still get to be his aunts and uncles. It’s been a huge blessing to our family and to theirs. There really are no easy answers in your daughter’s situation. It hurts and it is messy and I am sorry. I am praying for you and your daughter right now.
Thank you for your post. This is exactly what our local DCF office needs to hear and take to heart. Our first foster daughter came to our family at 2 1/2 and we had her for a year. The morning we brought her back to her father was so surreal and then I just went home and cried on her bed for hours. The months afterward were the worst ever. No support or guidance was provided at all, and I feel that the inability to really grieve fully has made things since then so much less than they should be. Now, our foster son of the last 15 months is leaving our home in two days, and here we are again. We’ve been planning on quitting, and you know it’s not because of the loss itself, it’s because of the total lack of understanding and respect from the social workers at the Department. There must be so many who would stay if only their hearts were seen and heard.
This topic is quite hot in the net right now. What do you pay attention to while choosing what to write about?
Just came accross your article. I too am grieving the loss of our foster sons. It feels like someone has died. i come accross their laundry, their toothbrushes, toys, etc. Everything reminds me of them. I get in the car and their car seats are gone. my house is quiet without them. None of my friends know what i am feeling becuase no one has gone through this.
Oh God, I’m about to loose my foster child in a few weeks. How do i stop this train from crashing into our lives and destroying all of us, but mostly my 3 year olds innocense. He’s already expressing his anxiety of not wanting to go. How do I assure him he’s going to be ok, when I am not sure he’ll be ok. This is cruel and we should all get together to stop what is happening in foster care.
Please email me if you want to help me change the laws and the agency’s policy’s, no matter what state your in.
Do you happen to live in CA? and maybe even Los Angeles County?
No, we live in Northern Virginia.
yes i want to help change the laws at dss
Wish there was something we can do. My son was with me for 4 years and just last year the parents overdosed and in a yr later they return the kids. Please note all 3 were taken at different times for the same reason.
I would love to help change the laws
I forwarded this to family, friends, and our foster daugther’s case worker. Our beloved foster daughter will be leaving on Friday after over 2 1/2 years in foster care. She is being reunified with her mother. Normally I am very good with words, but I am currently stunned into silence by the conflicting emotions. Thank you for saying for me what I cannot.
How have you handled it. Do you see her
You have put my feelings into just the right words. When I read the part about how you grieved from the moment your foster son was placed with you, I realized that I went through the very same experience. I remember meeting up with a friend 3 days after my foster son was placed with me and bawling all the way home because she had said that she heard my partner say that he couldn’t wait for him to leave. When I got home, I found out that he was talking about the kitten we were watching for a friend. Through my hysterical tears, I realized how deeply and quickly I had fallen in love. I knew that I would never be able to let him go. He was very sick when he came to live with us, at just six months old, and I would sit up with him and hold him all night long and I didn’t mind one bit. I wish I could go back to those nights and I can’t help wondering if anyone will do that for him the next time he is sick. I feel for everyone who has posted here and anyone who has ever had to go through this.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I thought I was overreacting to the loss of my foster son of 12 months. You hit it on the head that I am grieving because of the knowledge of where he has been placed – back with his less than ideal mom. I thought I had prepared all along for his eventual return–mom had always been working her plan–but am shocked at the depth of my emotions, it seriously feels like a death. And yes, there is no closure–I know he goes on wondering why I left him. How will this scar him? How will this affect his future relationships? Will he feel he did something wrong?
No where in my training did I get any information on this deep sense of loss, nor have I gotten any validation from the “system”. I really don’t know if I can go through this again.
Maybe someone could be helped from this poem my husband wrote when we lost our foster son last May. We could not get over it and still grieve a lot. We could not even comfort each other through the process.
We also had his little sister for her first year of life and lost her to her father (different than the boy’s dad) last November. That was our first shocking experience.
This young man meant more to us than life itself. He is a brilliant boy who desires to learn. I wanted to continue to be his teacher, but the lord had other ideas.
We rest each day only in the grace that the Lord gives us to go on. It was the HARDEST thing we had ever experienced in our 29 years of marriage.
We have adopted 3 other children through the system and are grateful for them. We also have a set of twins we took in, in July (now 15 months old) , and we thought we could deal with this a little easier but we are about to lose them and it doesn’t get any easier. : )
2Co 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Ode to Foster Dad
Something terrible happened today.
A boy we love, they took away.
Since birth we had him, my wife and I.
At thirty-two months we said goodbye.
Back to his bio-dad he went;
To one whom he had barely met.
They say that he’ll adjust in time.
Oh how I pray that fate is mine.
All the things we helped him do: to crawl, to walk, to put on his shoes,
to talk, to pray, to sing, to share.
Doesn’t anybody care?
While on my knees to beg relief,
I heard One say, “I share your grief.
I gave my Son up too you know,
Though it happened a long time ago.
I still hear the forlorned lad say,
‘Why would you forsake me dad?'”
So now I know more than before,
the pain for all men’s sins He bore.
Just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I cannot imagine losing a child after 32 months. I am grieving with you.
this poem is annointed and is a help to me. thank you.
Tammy, I am so glad that this poem was a help to you, as I read it over and over again, and still cry as I read it. God does cause all things to work together for good, even though we can’t always see the big picture. It’s hard to face tomorrow with loneliness and grief, but we can read that the Lord was “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” I wondered why He gave us such an emotion as grief, but I still have to thank Him for it because we are commanded “to be thankful in all things.” My husband has a wonderful elderly grandmother, who always reminds me to thank God for the hard things life dishes out, as well as the good things.
Now I must share a part of the continuance of our story that took place from my posting in 2009. It is a long miracle story that I can only go into some of the details due to time and length. The baby sister of the boy we had for 32 months, (we had her for her first year) had a kind father who allowed us to spend much time with her through the past 3 years of her life. Well, her daddy got cancer last Spring. He had lots of treatments and so we volunteered to help out where we could. We were saying our good-byes to her as we knew that she had an extended family that planned on taking care of her, in which she could have been taken out of state. Three weeks before daddy died in July, we received a call from daddy’s girlfriend who said that daddy and her had a long hard conversation together and decided to give our little girl to us to raise as it was in her best interests! To shorten the story again, we adopted her in September. The miracle of God’s perfect Will has manifested in a way I saw impossible, but became possible. The real best part of the story comes from the fact that my husband was able to lead her father to the saving grace of Jesus Christ before he passed on. Now our baby girl who is 4 will see her father again one day!
As for her brother who is another part of our heart and lives, we have been given the privilege to be a great part of his life again. He spends lots of time with us. At this time, his father is thinking about moving where his own family is, across America, and that is a deep hurting concern to us, but we again must trust the Lord with the outcome. He now is 5 ½ years old and I am the only mommy he knows as such. We only know to trust the Lord’s Will for us and our baby boy. The Lord’s ways are not our ways, but we can still ask Him for privileges, and He as all good parents sometimes sees fit to do, can reward His children, though undeserving.
We will pray that the Lord will intervene in your situation, and allow you to still have a part in your child’s life.
Thank you so much for posting this message, I’ve been having a a difficult time understanding what I am going through. I’ve been fostering and serving as a pre-adoptive parent for 2 kids, 4 and 8 for over 3 and 1/2 years. They are my life, they are my family, they are my everything. I sometimes keep so busy in life so I don’t have to stop and think about life without them. Unfortunately, it seems that bio mom’s rights will not be terminated and that my kids will have to go back. My son cries often about having to go back, and it’s so hard in times like this to comfort him. I just don’t know what to say, or I am just so emotional myself. I just want the best for them and I want to protect them, but I just can’t. I feel like no one understands what I go through everyday, and I often blame myself for becoming a foster parent. I get so angry at the courts, and department for the way they treat my children, and the most frustrating part is that I often feel like I have no voice in this process..
I hear ya. My sons parent rights should have and we’re going to be terminated and even after a overdosed they returned him home after 4 years. I know it’s because the parents got a private lawyer. Can’t figure out how they afforded it but they had one each.
Thank you so much for this blog post. Our first foster child went home today and I have been a ball of tears and I miss him. It’s good to know I”m not unusual.
I found this article in the middle of the night. Exactly one week ago I lost 2 sisters I had in my home as foster daughters for 16 months. The eldest came to me at 3 years old and her sister came the minute she was born. The mother was pregnant with the 2nd when the first was taken. I had agreed to take the baby once she was born so the sisters would be together.
I raised that baby and was her only mother for 13 months. Both girls were taken and put with a grandmother. I feel like there is a hole in my soul.
I appreciate the above article. It helped to put my feelings into words. What made this worse was the fact that it was my first experience at being a foster mother. I dont know if I will be able to recover in order to help more children.
I have a somewhat similar experience. My foster daughter is being taken back to grandma tomorrow and I am heartbroken. I think the best thing to do is give yourself time to grieve before making any decisions about whether or not to be a foster parent. I know how you feel. It does hurt like the child died.
Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I recently found out that we will be losing our foster twins. We brought them home from the hospital at three days old, and they are now eight months. We never wanted to “foster.” We knew that fostering takes a special person with a strong heart. But the SWs seemed so sure that this would end in our favor. So, we took them in as legal-risk placement. We gave our all to these babies…heart and soul. And, the thought of losing them tears me apart inside. I just keep asking “HOW?” How do I make myself pack up their stuff? How do I hand them over and let them go…forever? How do I live without them? How are they ever going to know how much they mean to me…how much they will always mean to me? I have been grieving for days, and everybody either keeps trying to consol me with “God’s plan” and “at least you have your biological son.” I was starting to think that I was alone on my grief…that I was wrong to grieve. But, I love them so much. They may be his biological children, but they will always be my babies.
Thank you to everyone who has posted. I am like many of you who found this site by looking up how to grieve the loss of a foster child. I am where you are or have been. A single foster mom who went into it to do foster/adopt. I am in the process of transitioning my three year old twin girls back to a less than ideal situation. We just started weekend visits and it just kills me to leave them there for the weekend. I can’t imagine life without them but the inevitable is not too far away. It hurts so bad, and then they return with more behavior problems which are so hard to deal with when I am hurting. Thank you again for posting and for helping me feel not quite so alone in this.
As I was tossing and turning in bed, being overcome with grief at the loss of my baby (yes, he is a foster child but to me, he’s my baby). {He was 14 months old when he was placed in our home. We had him for nearly 13 months He left one week ago today.} I got out of bed, not to wake my husband and came online looking for some relief. What a blessing it was to find your blog. It said so many things that I am feeling and/or wondering about. THANK YOU! Your blog helped me. It’s almost like you put my feelings down on paper for me. If I could only give everyone a copy of your blog, I think they would understand what our family is going through. Every worker, lawyer and judge should be given a copy of your blog. I will be sharing it with a few people. Thanks for being brave enough to share your personal thoughts and feelings. I can relate to something in each comment on your blog as well. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Take care & God bless.
I have posted before and poured out my heart and feelings in an earlier post. Now I want to share these comforting and glorious words with all of you who are suffering from the tragic loss of the children whom you have grown to love as deeply as if they came from your own bowels.
My husband and I actually went into being foster parents in hope of helping families as a whole, with the possibility of leading families to Christ. We have always left an open door when we took children in, for their parents to know us, come to church to get additional visits with their children, and some even had our home phone number. Sad but true, most of the parents are not as interested in finding out how to really succeed as a family. In the process of time, (actually, really fast) we grew very fond of these children. So, when the time came for them to leave our home, and the thought of never seeing them again, brought great grief and fear to our hearts.
The walls came crashing down on us as we lost several of our foster children, though it seemed as if we were moving toward adoption. During each loss, I could not find comfort in anything or anyone. So, as a Pastor’s wife, I knew I must find contentment in the place that is obvious, and believe in the only power that is able to save us from all our troubles.
These are a few of the verses that I continued to read and trust in as the long hard days followed me like a dark shadow.
2Co 1:3-7 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. And whether we be afflicted it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer or whether we be comforted it is for your consolation and salvation.
And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation.
Ps 34:17-19 The righteous cry and the LORD heareth and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.
Isa 54:11-12 O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest and not comforted behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.
And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.
I posted on here a few days ago. Yesterday, my girls went to be with their dad. Today is so hard. I am trying to find comfort where I can, but the tears won’t stop flowing. Though they were only with me for 7 months, they will forever be in my heart. I loved them so much and pray that their dad won’t let them down again. But if he does, I hope that I haven’t moved on and can take them back in again. This is so hard. Thanks to all of you who have posted words of encouragement, and who have experienced what I am going through.
I want to echo what many here mentioned – I googled how to grieve the loss of a foster child and found this article. I plan to send it to all my family and friends so they understand what I’m going through as I prepare for my foster daughter to go home. She’s 15 months old, and we’ve had her for 8 months. We have no other children, and we started fostering in hopes of adopting. We knew she was straight-foster, but it hasn’t made it much easier. We’re working on an amicable relationship with her mother, but she plans to move once she has her daughter back. We already said our goodbyes once at her last court hearing, as her judge is unpredictable and we wanted to be prepared for her to be sent home against DSS recommendations. Her next hearing is in less than a month, and DSS still isn’t recommending return, but mom has been working her plan (just slower than expected), and the judge can send her home that day.
If we end up adopting (and we keep going back and forth between staying childless and doing a straight adoption of an older child), we decided not to adopt a baby bc we couldn’t stand to have every little baby thing remind us of our Baby V. She will always be our firstborn, and my worst fear is that she will never know how much we love her.
Thank you for the article, and even more, thank you for the comments. It seems that there isn’t a good outlet for grieving foster parents anywhere I’ve looked. It most definitely is like preparing for a death. And I think it’s to be expected that a child having been removed from their home and then reunified is not going back to an “ideal” situation – an ideal situation would include no neglect or abuse in their past, and a continous relationship with the birth parents. I think if expect the return home to be to a “better” place is unrealistic. I guess it’s just going to have to be “good enough”.
A similar thing happened to me. In my case the county was not recommending reunification but the judge granted grandma custody anyway. I understand about not wanting her to feel like we abandoned her ( my husband and I). I guess there is nothing you can do about that. I wish there was though.
I hate that I belong to this club… I wanted to share the letter I wrote to baby after she left. Tonight I cry for each one of you, and your babies.
Dear Stella,
There are no words I could say in this letter that would be able to express what you are to us, but I feel compelled to write them anyway.
I have had the privilege of being your mother for the past 13 months. Right now you can’t read, but I am writing this letter because someday when you can, I want you to know how much you are loved.
Do you know you changed the world?
You came to live with us when you were 7 weeks old. I fell completely, head-over-heels in love with you the instant I met you. That’s who you are, Stella.
I know your birth mother loved you too. Her demons prevented her from being able to take care of you. She disappeared shortly after you were placed in foster care. They told us that you were abandoned. We were told your father could not take care of you and that they were unable to locate him. We grieved for your lose; we grieved for your parents lose, and we prayed for them. However your infancy was a celebration! Everywhere we went people would stop us to tell us how beautiful you were. I never put you down, I just wanted to hold you and rock you forever. I would just stare into those big brown eyes and thank God that I was lucky enough to be holding you. For over a year we raised you and had you all to ourselves.
We rejoiced when the day finally came to start your adoption. It was then that your birth father showed up. Please understand baby girl it’s not that we wanted to deny your father the chance to know you. It’s just we felt /feel so strongly that you belonged with us. Your birth father loves you very much too, but we fear that his trails in this life will hinder his ability to give you all that you deserve. So we prayed for a miracle, for Heavenly Father to let you stay with us.
You are my daughter, and I love you like I love your brothers. We prayed harder than we had ever thought possible. We never, ever doubted that God could change the tides and let you stay. I know you know that. I know you felt that. But I still feel compelled to tell you that we believed, Stella. We believed that you were meant to be a part of our family and the fact that you are now with your father does not change that belief. There have been many moments when I question His will for your life. In the end I resolve to lean not unto my own understanding.
Stella I talked to you every day, about everything. I know you didn’t understand every word I said but you felt the meaning. I knew it would be a few more years before you would be really talking. But I kept on talking because this is how we all learn to speak; we spend years listening. And so it is with God. He is speaking to us my girl. We can’t always understand every word but if we keep listing we’ll get the meaning.
I never thought that you would leave, not even for one day. I thought that was the message the Lord was sending. But Stella I was not wrong completely, He was sending that message. It’s just the meaning was more powerful then I had originally thought. It meant that our spirits our connected to each other and they will not leave each other.
I cry for you often. The day they took you was the first time I ever really saw your daddy cry. I miss your smile and your giggle. My arms ache from emptiness. I tell your daddy all the time that I just want to hold you again. I cannot see to write these words because my eyes overflow with the tears of a mother who has been asked to give her daughter away.
Stella, you have no idea how you have impacted those around you. Did you know that friends, family, strangers all prayed and pray for you my dear little one? Do you know that strangers dropped to their knees on your behalf? Do you know how many people have met their Father in Heaven because of you? There is more than I can fit here, Stella. More than I can fit anywhere. You are the greatest miracle that I have ever been a part of, and I want you to know how incredibly proud I am to have been chosen to be your mommy. I promise you that I will never stop being your voice. I will tell everyone about the little girl who came in to foster care to change hearts. I miss you, Stella; there will never be a day where you are not a part of us. I want you to know that you changed me, honey.
Even though we are apart right now I know that our story is not over. You have one of the most powerful sprits I have had the privilege to know. The first 7 weeks of your life were anything but pleasant. However, when they placed you in our arms you smiled the biggest warmest smile I had ever seen. It was as if you were saying “I did it, I made it and I found you”. I know we’ll find each other again soon. I know you will come home!
Although this trial is hard to bear, and from the outside it looks like our prayers were not answered. I testify to you that our prayers have been heard. I do not know the why’s, I do not know the how’s, and though I wish I did I do not know the when’s. What I do know is that the spirit of the Lord spoke to me and told me that you are my daughter and that you are meant to be with our family. I know the Lord is mighty to save and I know you will return. The savior lives! The savior lives and he knows us and loves us. He has sent angels to keep you safe my girl and he will send his angles to bring you home.
I love you with all my heart and soul
You are the light of our life;
Thank you, my sweet, sweet girl. I am waiting for you.
I too feel the pain of believing with all my heart and soul that our baby girl was given to us as a special gift from God. So many signs that God was in it the whole time, and yet at court over two weeks ago, the judge ruled for her to be in custody of bio-dad.
She came into our lives at 11months old, and we had the awesome privilege of loving and caring for her for 18 months. She and I bonded so quickly and she also had a sense of belonging to our family right away. She brought so much life and energy to us and all who met her.
This has torn my heart apart, as well as my husband’s, and the rest of all my extended family and friends. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to go to her room, or should I change her room, or should I pack her special toys that to me is only meant for our sweet angel. My mom (mawmaw) started calling her a tiny angel, because she has 2 other granddaughters, and then our tiny angel started to tell me “mommy, you’re my angel.” I love and miss her so much.
I wanted to know if Stella returned to you yet…or are you still waiting.?
Trusting in God always,
Tammy
Tammy, After I posted this letter I never went to this site again. Almost a year ago, I forgot all about it. I have been missing my angel the last little bit and I started to search again. I happened to come on this site and remembered I posted this. I have to believe that is not just a coincidence. I also recently posted the rest of the story. Maybe this will help you.
http://www.mystellagirl.blogspot.com
I know how you feel. I can’t tell you it get’s easier or that your someday the ache will go away. But what I can say is that your love for your child is real and no one can take that from you.
adapted from
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/04/letter-to-my-daughter.html
Being in the military and two wars I thought I would be able to be the strong one when our two boys went home to their biological mother considering I have dealt with loss and I could be strong for my wife. But inside I am screaming in searing pain wanting them to be back in my arms holding them and protecting them as I did when I had them. Thankyou for this article as it has helped me a little knowing that my wife and I are not the only ones who are going through this. I found this article trying to find ways to help my wife and it turns out that it helped me as well. again thankyou —- a heart broken Sergeant
I can’t possibly thank you enough for posting this. My family and I have been a foster family for over 14 years now. We’ve had 30+ children come through our home, and I still know I will never be able to simply a child go. We started when I was nine; I’m twenty-three now. I may be “only” a sibling, but I’ve been a third parent in my family since I was fourteen. Ever since maternal instict kicked in, I’ve considered those kids to be “mine” every bit as much as they are my parents’.
We recently lost our 12-month-old baby girl after 8 months. She was not even close to having been our longest placement (30 months), but she has nonetheless been the hardest for me to let go of. I’ve thought of her as “my” daughter since the day we took her in. There is the same age difference between me and her as there is between my mom and me, and I can only assume that’s what facilitated the particularly strong bond between us. It hurts unfathomably to be forced to give her over to a situation I know is not good for her. She has 3 older siblings, and there are just no words for what their mother has put them through. She has no business to be blessed with the custody of my baby girl. She doesn’t have any appreciation for just how big of a blessing that privilege is. I would give anything to have her back, but her mother can’t even be bothered to stand on her own two feet and find a job to support them all.
It hurts so much more that no one around me (my parents included, these days) understands. I know that God has amazing plans for my daughter. I know He’s got a plan, and that even though He doesn’t want her to go through this, He’s big enough to use it for her good. I know He’ll carry her through all the trials she’ll face. I know all these things, but I’m so tired of people who have no idea what I’m going through reminding me of them! I’m tired of being treated as though the grief I experience at losing my baby is any less than the grief any other woman feels at losing her child. I’m fed up of the unspoken accusations in people’s eyes when I try to explain this to them: “You knew what you were getting into when you got her. You should have been prepared for this. Move on, already.” It’s been over three months, and I have yet to go a day without thinking of her. Most nights, I still sleep with the stuffed dog I bought her for Christmas. She wasn’t old enough to have attached to it, but I will always treasure “Pinky”.
Sorry about the semi-rant, but I’ve been unable to tell anyone how I truly feel about the situation. It’s just comforting to know there are others out there who understand.
For all the parents who have posted on this site, my heart aches for you because I too have the sad reality of belonging to this group. I am in the process of losing my first foster placement tomorrow and my heart & soul feel as if they have been ripped from my chest. As I watch her sleep & type these words the tears are flowing & my inability to control these emotions for this past week is taking a complete toll on myself & my family.
My husband & I are proud parents to five beautiful, biological boys and decided to become foster parents with the hope of adopting a daughter. When we brought baby Lily to live with us, she had been in the hospital for 4 1/2 months. She was born at 30 weeks, suffered complications, was recovering from surgery & we were told that basically her parents had abadoned her. We obtained a copy of the court order which listed over 10 reasons as to why she should not be placed in the care of her bio parents. When people on this site stated that they fell in love with their foster child from the moment they saw them…I know exactly how they feel. When I first laid eyes on Lily…I knew that she was meant to be ours. My boys fell head-over-heals in love with her. We have watched her thrive in our home. She didn’t know what it meant to live outside of a hospital bed and she has now learned that her smallest cry gets her into the loving & safe arms of her mommy or daddy.
Wouldn’t you know that her bio parents are back. They went to court & in one weeks time they were told to learn to care for her medical condition & give an address that could be checked out for her living conditions & she could go home with them. They spent ONE hour doing training & the address they gave is a public housing complex full of crime & drugs. My grief is made worse because I know that this home we have provided for her would take her life down a much greater path than she will ever have in the custody of her bio parents. I wonder what judge could have read her history & thought that it was a good idea to remove her from us & give her to them. It’s not even giving her “back to them” because they never had her.
I’ve known love for my own biological children & I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that the love I feel for this baby girl is no different than the love I have for my own boys.
I pray that she will be safe & continue on her road to good health but I know in my heart that it will not be that way for her. Will we ever be able to recover from this pain & foster again? I don’t think I can. We always hear the bad stories of the Foster System & the children are mistreated by their providers. Media attention needs to be given to those of us who give our all, open our homes & hearts only to have them destroyed.
Thank you for this website, for allowing me to know that I am not alone in my grief.
Kelli, I am so sorry you too have joined this club. I too lost the first foster child I ever had placed with me. I actually had her, at the age of 3 and her newborn sister. They were with me for 16 months and I had to turn them over to a grandmother.
The heartache was, and at times still is, gut wrenching! I did however have the peace of mind to know they were going to a very nice home. I could never imagine the poor foster parents, like yourself, who have to watch their kids be placed in homes or with people who are not worthy of them.
The only thing I can offer are my prayers. Time helped me tolerate the heartache. It never goes away, but it does become tolerable.
God Bless….
My story is that, I am a grandmother of the sweetest little angel that has touch my heart, and everyone that is around her., I was writeing, to find out if some case does the mother and father sometimes ends up with the child, My daughter and husband, could not have children of their own, when they took the classes to help other children, a year went bye, my daughter would pray for a newborn, or any child, she could make a difference in their life, then i recall her calling me yelling so excited to go and pick a little girl up that was three months, old, I was so excited for them, I knew God had the say, in this situation, my daughter has so much faith, and in a few days, some aunt wantS to take this child from another state, IT WORRIES ME, I KNOW PEOPLE WHOM JUST DOES IT TO GET MONEY, THAT SICKENS ME, MY DAUGHTER BELONGS TO CHURCH, THEY DON’TNEED THEMONEY, BUT WHAT THEY NEED IS THAT BABY NOT JUST BABY BUT HER, THE BOND IS SO STRONG, , i agree when I READ THIS post, i would love for judges and attorney, to see this, in some situations, the way the devil works, they place them back into people whom abuse them, as if okay, lets give them another chance, after the child was born with drugs addictions, etc, and the child was even taken away from grandparents, and now some aunt or first cousin gets the right first choice, has never saw this little girl, i feel like the judges should really consider that when its a first cousin, coming from a whole family of a bad rep, that they should be more strict rules of social services, letting them go back, to where the child has not a bond, and put the child s say so in this if they can talk on whom and why they want to stay with a foster parents, i believe, that all of you are such wonderful people whom i have read this posts, this child was so dirty, under fed, , dirty clothes, , so sad, my daughter has changed this little angels life, they are so tight,, the father loves its as much, but my daughter, had not much of a life, before, she never smiled, bored with life, and asking Mom, why can’t i have a baby she they have tried every treatment going, but nothing work, and i feel god, had a plan, that this little girl was on her way before my daughter knew, for a year, she would answer the phone praying it would be a foster kid, i never will understand why mothers, that sucks as parents, gets put in jail not once over and over, then a child is born with a drug addiction, how can the courts allowed this, and father whom molest their children, i have known cases where i am from it happen again,after being released from foster care, yell i understand why you parents hearts are breaking, it does feel like a death, to me as well, its my first grandchild, i am fifty four tomorrow, she loves me so much, my daughter takes her to church, shows her off to the world, the baby first words was mom, she is now starting to walk, but i will be honest with you all, how its going to kill me to watch my daughter heart break, as well as her sisters, and the fact that we all will need somekind of couseling, i believe god lead me here, so many stories are so alike, so much love, i never knew existed, and i just know God is so very proud of you all, as he is with my daughter and husband, i can not believe what a mother my daughter has been , she still has not excepted the fact that the baby is going anywhere, is that normal?, she says the baby isn’t going anywhre because God does answer prayers, i am a firm believer in faith, she has so much, but if she goes, she goes to court mon, where i live, the court system sucks, i ask all of you, to pray for her, as well as she would you all, for your children to return soon, anything can happen, and does anyone have any advice on how a mother can feel that whole in her heart, i am now crying, our life has been only happy times, this past year, she lifts me up, she smile all the time, she want let go of my daughter, their is no where she goes with out her, did anyone of you all have social services to stand up for you all to try and keep the children? CAN YOU GET A LAWYER TO TRY AND KEEP THE CHILD?, IF THE CHILD IS ATTACH TO YOU, i TRULY DON’T MEAN TO ASK THESE QUESTION, BUT I DON’T KNOW MY DAUGHTER REFUSES TO TALK TO ANYONE AT THIS MOMENT ABOUT THE BABY, SHE WANT EVEN ANSWER MY CALLS, AFRAID I WILL SPEAK THINGS SHE DON’T WANT TO HEAR, HOW LONG WILL TAKE FOR MY DAUGTHER TO HEAL?, AS WELL AS ALL OF US? I AM WORRIED ALREADY ABOUT HER LIFE AS IT WAS THIS PAST YEAR, ?HELP ME MAKE IT EASIER FOR HER IF ANYONE HAS ANY AVICE PLEASE HELP ME THE GRANDMOTHER OF MY FIRST GRANDAUGHTER, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, CAN WE SEE THE BABY AGAIN?how long do they have to come to visit before the judge lets the child go out of state with them, do they do a back ground check,? for the well being of this child, she has three other brothers, whom another grandparents has them, she said she could not raise her, how does this work whom tells social services to get up with family members, and why?, to get first chance with them, please let me know God bless all of you here
DAWWNA
Thank you for your caring, and to everyone else for sharing. We had to give up our foster son after three years of pouring our lives out to help him. His sisters are still with us. We were able to adopt the girls a month after he left us – but it was so bittersweet. It’s been almost three months since he left and I’m still screaming inside. Our therapist told me I had to go to a grief support group, but I couldn’t face the thought of sitting around with people whose kids died from cancer whining about my pain. Thank you for making room at this table for me. At least I know that you all get it, that somebody out there knows how horribly this hurts. Thank you for saying no child is replaceable. My girls are life to me, there were good reasons why my son had to leave, but my heart still cries out for him. There was no longer any foster about it. He was my son. He is still their brother. My poor husband is lost trying to shepherd all his little women through this storm. Even the cat still goes in his old room and looks for our little boy. Dear God how this hurts.
Hello
My name is Kristine and I’m so glad that I found this website. I, too, was searching for a site or a book or something to help me deal with the grief I am facing.
Just 5 days ago, we lost our first foster child, a little girl, after a year and a half. We got her at 9 months and she is now 2 & 1/2. I wish that someone had told us how difficult this would be, not only the loss, but the emotional roller coaster that DCF put us through. I know that her mother loves her and she’s been working at getting her back (along with her 3 siblings) but it is still so agonizing losing her. I never thought that I could love another person’s child as much as I love her. I am married with three biological boys who have loved, nurtured, and cared for her like little dads. She has been such a HUGE blessing in our lives and brought so much joy to our home and I feel like that joy is gone. I miss her smile and tucking her in at night and holding her hand.. so many things I miss. I feel like people don’t really understand what this feels like. It feels like someone died. She is gone along with everything that she owned ..to a homeless shelter with her mom. I loved fostering her and I have truly grown from this experience, but I really dont know if i have the strength to do this again. I am a Christian and know that I am supposed to trust God, but this is just too painful. I am thankful that we had her dedicated because I do know that God has his hand on her.
Thank you for listening.
Kristine
I lost my foster daughter today. Thank you for writing this. She was with us from the hospital until today. She is one year old. I am also pregnant. People act like it does not matter that I lost my foster daughter, because I will have my own baby in a few months. But no child can take her place. She was my baby girl.
I am so tired of the biological families thinking they need to rescue the children from the “system”. I am so tired of Oprah and Dr. Phil talking about the negative foster parents. What about all the loving good homes? My baby girl did not need to be rescued. My home is not a hotel where children can be checked in and out at anyone’s whim. So what if I am not related to these children. So what if I have no legal rights. I am her mother. I love her and she loves me. She layed in the hospital for seven weeks after she was born and not one relative visited her. When it was time for her discharge, I was the one who came to get her.
She screamed the whole way out the door today. I don’t know if she is okay tonight. She did not “return home”. She was put with some distant relative that she does not know.
I just wanted to touch on something you mentioned that really resonated with me. You write that your foster daughter screamed all the way out the door when she left. I too have experienced my foster daughter’s tears and clinging for me when I or she was forced to leave.
I have been blessed to stay in touch with her mother, and babysit her from time to time. Even now, months later, when it’s time for her to go home, she usually cries and holds on to me and doesn’t want to go. But when her mom leaves, it’s a kiss and a wave good-bye.
I write because I know I interpreted her cries as an adult would – that she is going to a terrible place and that only my home and my arms are safe for her. But I see now that she is ok. She cries because she is little. She cries because she doesn’t want the good times to end (her mom isn’t as hands-on as dh and I are).
I just wanted to try to reassure you that while I know the image of her leaving and crying is burning a hole in your soul, please know that she will be ok. When she first came to you, she didn’t know you either. She may not know the distant relative she went to now, but with time, she will, and she will be just fine. You have done a wonderful thing by parenting her for a year, and she will always have that.
To everyone going through this grief – it can get better, but you have to find a way to have closure. My husband and I took a few months away from home (he traveled for work and I went with him), to get used to living just us again, but without the daily reminders our home would’ve had. When we got back, things still remind me of her, but I now know there is life on the other side of the grief. I still miss her terribly, and wish we could’ve adopted her. She is about to be a big sister in a month. She wouldn’t have had that opportunity had we adopted her (we only wanted one child).
Peace.
Thank you for your words of support. I have cry everyday and grieve deeply for the foster son i had in my home for seven months. I had to make a very hard choice two weeks ago to let go due to a lot of circumstances. I feel guilt, fear, sadness. Is someone comforting him when he’s scared, does he get hugs and told i love you. Will he get to run around and play hide and seek in the house. Will someone read him his bedtime stories and comfort him when he is to scared to sleep.
Unfortunately, when he came into my home the caseworker gave me false hope and i held on so tight. I asked lots of questions and the case worker felt all i was doing was trying to sabotage the reunificaiton. My intent was to take care of this little boy make sure he gets the help he needs and to keep him safe. I didn’t trust the process and now he is gone from my life. i was assured it would be in the best interest of the child to have people in their life who cared still remain in his life make the transition easier. I was holding onto being able to see him after Christmas. He was moved into another home and removed from his daycare. I will never see him again except in his photos and it breaks my heart not to be able to scoop him up and hold him one my time. I never really got to say goodbye. Thank you for understanding. People have good intentions telling me to move on. Do something to distract myself. etc…. I am grateful for this website and people who have experienced what i am now going thru.
I loved the article on how to help a grieving foster parent. I am an author and adoption trainer….how can I get permssion to adapt it to a training? thank you
Feel free to use it in any way that you feel would help. I am a PRIDE Trainer and talk about this when we teach the module on grieving.
You sound like a model foster parent. Me being a foster child since the age of 9 months to 5 years old, then from 5-8 going back to my abusive real parents, 8 years old being placed in a childrens home, and from there being placed in foster care with a foster father And mother who had 6 kids, and emotionally and physically abused us. I could write a book and probably will one day. It’s nice to know like you, their are people out there who actually foster out of love and not for the money they get every month for a child and make them slaves, to make up for being looked after.
I wrote many months ago about the pain my wife and I felt when we lost our very first two foster children. As painful as that was being in the military we have ways of handling different situations and dealing with emotions differently. I did research and found out where my two foster children went home to and started to occasionally visit from an extreme distance and watch to see if i could see them. Then it hit me. This was crazy. For one it was against the law and for two, what if the kids saw me and I had to drive away very quickly? That would do so much more harm then good. So I made myself avoid seeing them. A couple of months later our agency called us about a beautiful baby boy and shortly after we accepted him we found out that he was adoptable. And this year we adopted him. I still miss my two boys and I did get to be their daddy and no one can ever take that away from me, but one thing is true. I became a foster parent and later an adoptive parent to try and get past the horrors of war and to this day I can still see 2 yr old Jaden playing chase with me in my yard and when those horrible memories comeback, I just think about him and pray that somewhere deep inside him he will remember that he had me as his dad.
Michael
PS – My wife and I can not do this anymore so we decided to keep our robert and close our home for foster care for the pain that we went through when our two boys left was too great, but they will always have a place in our heart. We just cant go through that pain any longer.
I am so glad that someone understands. In all appearances it seems that our little girl that we have had the honor and privledge to care for in our home these past 7 months will be leaving us within the next few weeks.
I want to scream until I can’t anymore. I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions and I go from mad to crying until I can’t breathe in a matter of seconds. I know that I did not give birth to her and I know that she deserves to be with her biological family because she belongs to them, but its the knowing where she came from that is killing me. I don’t understand and I want to ask the judge if he can read. How can anyone in their right mind think its ok now for her to go home?
But with all this being said, I trust my God completely. I don’t want to just say it as lipservice, that I want His will to be done, I want to mean it with all that is within me-but I am honestly struggling with that right now and that kills me inside too. All of the postings I have read have helped, but the truth is there is no closure if we never see them again.
She is not our first to leave, she’s the third. Our second we had to have him removed due to an illness in my family. Our first child to leave was our 3rd child placed with us. We had him for 9 months before they reunified. The day he left I helped the worker load up his stuff and gave him a kiss on the forehead. I sent my other two children to their rooms for a nap, then I went to my room and cried for hours. I seen him 1 time after that.
What makes it so hard too is that we adopted our little girl’s older sister 3 years ago, and I honestly thought she wouldn’t go back. The worker looked at me after court and said, “You do know that she’s going back home don’t you?” I responded with, “I kind of figured that out now.” She then asked me if we would want a little boy!
These children are not rag dolls, they are children you have problems because of the families they came from and problems because the system doesn’t always protect their best interests. I don’t know if it is better for her to stay with us. I don’t know if it is better for her to go back home to her biological family. I do know that I have to trust God and accept His will because His grace is sufficient.
There has got to be a better way… Most everyone here (including my husband and I) have been scarred for life because we believed social workers who told us that our fost-adopt children will be free to adopt – only to find out later some last minute barely suitable (usually very needy) relative comes out of the woodwork and wants to adopt them. Can there not be some type of time limit for relatives to come forward before permanent placement to fost-adopt families? Please lets stop this craziness! The children also benefit because once bonded to a wonderful pre-adoptive family (and finally feeling secure and properly taken care of) they are ripped away back into their (often dysfunctional) family. Shouldn’t the children come first??
In our case, a single uncle with a part-time income and one bedroom apt now has our three fost-adopt kids… How is this even allowed?
I wrote in September last year about losing our foster son.
The grief is still constant.
It’s different now, not so acute, but it’s always there. It doesn’t keep me from laughing anymore. I first felt like I’d never laugh again, but now I can have fun and live life in spite of myself. The hard thing is that the grief pops up it’s head and I find myself crying when I least expect it. It’s tiring.
Our daughters are still grieving. Our youngest is grieving terribly. She has gone from terrible sadness to absolute rage to idealizing her brother even though he was abusive to her – she won’t hear any negative word spoken about him.
I went through all of those things too.
Our oldest says she is still mad and sad about him leaving but says “I’m kinda over that now.” The reality is that she has convinced herself everything will be okay “because I know he’ll come back someday.”
In my deepest heart I secretly hope for that myself.
In my head I know it won’t ever happen. But I still can’t make myself say it out loud.
I feel alone when I read this site. I feel sad for those who had their children ripped from them by some incomprehensible judge. I can only imagine the pain and helplessness of that. I’ve felt pain and helplessness over not being able to help my children whom I love. I feel alone because we had to make a choice. We had to choose to adopt our daughters and not our son.
He couldn’t be at peace in the same room with his sisters.
Their mere presence hurt him on some level I could never understand. He acted out towards them. We had to watch him every waking moment for three years. We had alarms for the sleeping moments. And yet we loved him so. We all loved him so.
So many people posting here have written about their faith. I fasted and prayed for our son. We prayed with him each night, and over him while he was sleeping. We reached out for help in every way we could. It was horrible to have to accept that for all our love, he was deteriorating in our home. He couldn’t be emotionally healthy in our house, no matter how hard everyone tried. He was severely depressed and beginning to have thoughts of suicide. He was only 9 years old. For his sake and the girls sakes, we had to let him go.
He’s been in his new foster home since August 2010. We have seen him five times. Every time he has been glowingly happy and full of news about his new friends, new school, new activities. He even chose to go to church for himself (his new foster mom doesn’t go, but she arranged for him to go.) All reports say he is becoming the person we always knew he could be, and is doing so much better in every way. It appears that we made the best decision we could and it was the right one.
So why does this make me feel so awful?
I grieve even his successes. How selfish is that? I wanted him to have those things with me. Why couldn’t he have them with me? Why couldn’t he love life with me? With us?
I know the textbook answers – siblings sometimes associate pain with other siblings and cannot heal while in the same home. Kids with attachment disorder sometimes feel safer when they are not being asked to attach. Now he is away from his sisters. He is no longer being asked to participate in relationships that seem emotionally demanding to him. He can just be a kid and move on with his life. We haven’t seen him since New Year’s Day and he apparently hasn’t asked to see us. He is trying to move on.
That’s a healthy thing to do, right? I should want this for him, right?
The heart wants what it wants. I want my son back.
My girls want their brother back. Unconditionally. Now.
We lost our baby girl yesterday! She was only with us for 3 weeks, though it seems 3 years. She came at only 2 days old. We were so excited to finally get our first placement, a baby girl. Never thought we would get a newborn. She was our first and it took almost a year for us to get our first. She came home as if my wife gave birth to her, so precious. We gave her every once of love we had to give. We thought that we would have her for at least 6 months, but the grandparents have came forward and have taken her. I know its supposed to be for the best, but it has broken our hearts. I never thought it would hurt so much. The family and the county have agreed that we can stay in her life, but that doesnt take the pain away. We will spend as much time as we can with her, but it will never be enough time. I am not sure that we will be able to continue to foster parents, i dont know that the pain will ever go away enough to go through it again. I know we are not alone, i just dont know how to do it again.
I am so sorry for your loss. No one can truly understand this kind of loss unless they have experienced it themselves. The best piece of advice that I received while we were fostering our son was to allow myself to grieve. I hate this part of the process. Sometimes it irreparably wounds those who contribute the most to the system, the foster parents. I hope that you can heal enough to risk your hearts again, but I also understand that you may not be able to do it again. Sometimes the hurt is just more than we can bear to go through again. I am praying for you.
Matt,
I’m so sorry for your grief. I posted back in October 2011 after the loss of my first foster baby and never thought that I would recover from the hurt & pain of the situation. I am writing today to update everyone and to tell you that I am fostering again. I agreed to take an 8 month old baby girl on November 30th but my walls are up so high that I don’t feel that I have allowed myself an opportunity to bond with her. She has bonded to me, she loves me unconditionally and although I treat her wonderful, provide for all of her needs; I tell myself & my children everyday that we are just babysitting her and that she may leave any day. They have asked us would we be an adoption resource for her & we tell them all that we haven’t thought about that after what they did to us last time. The saddest part of my story is that 3 days after accepting this placement, my first foster baby was placed back into the system because her mother “turned her in and checked herself into a psych unit.” We were not offered her to come back to our home. I was told that because I had just received another placement they put her into a different home. I fought that we had been approved for 2 placements and then they told me the most shocking words, “You were too attached to her and if we give her back to her parents again we’re afraid you may not recover and may never foster again.” So…here we have it people, this is a business to them. It is NOT in the best interest of the child. Four months later, that baby that I brought home from the hospital, loved and cared for is still in foster care BUT she’s not in MY foster home because I cared too much. What the hell do they want from us? So now the baby with me doesn’t have me 100% due to my fear of another broken heart and the baby that I would have given my world to, isn’t with me because I loved her too much. There is something so wrong with this system and I’ve wrote to Dr. Phil but no response. How can we get attention? What do we do??? If my first foster baby becomes available for adoption – she will be offered to her current foster family and I just can’t conceive of this. I’m so ready to end my relationship with this system, to call it quits on fostering but I’ve seen this current baby go at 8 months old doing nothing to now almost a year old and has completely caught up. That is what keeps me going but the politics of it, the stupid procedures and rules…I hate it. What can we do to draw public attention to this matter?
I agree we need to organize as foster parents and get this system fixed. Any suggestions? I know how to build websites and can also get a petition started. With everyone maybe we can get noticed to get laws changed… Email me and I will start the process…
We have recently lost 2 sibling sets that we were told would be ours. Since we were ‘gunshy’ last set, we know we asked all the right questions and were told that all relatives had been ruled out due to criminal activity on both sides. Yet an eleventh hour uncle came forward who lives in a one bedroom apt and works part-time. He can barely support himself let alone 3 children. We were told that he was the ONLY relative that could take them due to not having a criminal record. We were blindsided and didn’t even think they still this door open… In our minds, the uncle is going to live off of the children’s subsidy. Mind you, they were in 2 other foster homes before being placed for permanent adoption with us. Can you see the double cruelty involved? We can’t even ask how the kids are doing now but we DO know they are now being exposed to their family of criminals living below the poverty line, tax payer subsidized…. How is this in their best interest?
Karin Six
I wish that I had the answer on how to change the foster care system. Many social workers that I have worked with have the same desire. The social workers in our area are absolutely outstanding, but I know that is not the case everywhere.
I am sure that there are many avenues, but, the best avenue that I know of is to join your LOCAL foster parent association and start from there.
One of the reasons that it is so difficult to change a system like the foster care system/child welfare system, is that there are many layers: federal law, state law, county regulations, and county policy. That doesn’t even take into account the different philosophies of those working within the child welfare system.
Lasting, definitive change will only come from those who make the policy. Policy changes often result from pressure from high profile cases or from very influential groups.
There is also a huge need for more research to be done. Right now, child welfare agencies are operating according to research that says that it is better for children to be raised in their family of origin. I don’t think that is wrong, I just don’t think that it is, as the child welfare system seems to believe, ALWAYS right, either. I think that the prevailing “wisdom” right now puts too much pressure on relatives to parent children, when what might be the best is for the children to be adopted by someone outside their family, but be allowed contact with their family of origin.
I would love to see foster parents work together toward securing a stronger voice in what happens to the children in their care.
There’s a book called, Invisible Kids by Holly Schlaack that is supposed to talk about ways to change the system. I haven’t read it yet. A friend whose foster daughter was returned to her bio parents and then died while in their custody read it and is recommending it to everyone. I lose my foster daughter on couple days ago to a mother who doesn’t have any of her other three children. There’s no way that she should have been returned. I live in So Cal and we’re going to start doing something to make things better for the kids! I can post on here when things start happening if anyone’s interested.
How do you email individuals who have posted here? I want to help, this system has to change. Our personal small attempt is found on a page (“Keep Your Kids!”) of our former adoption website, www . newbaby . 9f . com. I can be reached through there. In our case, the page focuses on preventing children from being taken away in the first place for stupid reasons such as cultural misunderstandings and lack of knowledge about differing laws/parenting expectations.
My thoughts are to bring together our experiences for the world to read (much like is done here) and then have a petition for everyone to sign that just demands some more definite time deadlines to the existing system. There has to be a time-frame for relatives to come forward and then that door is shut permanently as common sense dictates. Certainly, anyone who is really concerned about a child is aware of their situation. Family will have to list their adoption intentions upfront and be willing to foster. Not let them go into permanent placement and then show-up. I believe the kids are really affected and feeling abandoned by their foster parents too. They don’t understand whats going on. In the case of our kids, it was the first time they experienced real family life as their mom is in prison. They tried to re-unify twice with dad but his brother beat the tar out of one of the kids and put him in the hospital. The kids used to hit each other so much, we bought them boxing gloves. When they left our house, they were often all holding hands. They hugged each other and never hit each other anymore like they used to.
OK, everyone. I am highly motivated for changing the foster care system… I would like to announce the beginning of http://www.americanfosterparentalliance.com. This will be a bulletin board where we can discuss our experiences and comfort each other when they go desperately wrong. We can discuss what needs to be changed in the foster care system, come to some mutual consensus and then put our recommendations forth. That is our mission… If you choose to accept it, consider yourself all founding fathers. The above website will be up within 2 weeks so get ready to start making a change!
Karin
The forum is up… http://www.americanfosterparentalliance.com for all those wanting to make a difference in the foster & fost-adopt system. Will be adding some action items (like petitions) later… United we stand, divided we fall… Thank you Got2BeKidding for starting this website. It has brought us together! There is also a FB page… Simply search on American Foster Parent Alliance. Please ‘Like” the page and pass on to all of your friends. Now is the time to raise awareness.
Thank you!
Members of our family are experiencing much of what you are writing about. Thank you for taking the time to express what it is like and to teach others how to care for their friends in a time of loss.
It helps us realize we are not alone.
Just one last note… When I spoke with my social worker about changes to the foster care system, she said, “Why don’t you do something about it?” I responded, “I am going to!”
I’m normally a very articulate person, but right now I just can’t … it’s too exhausting to try to expend the energy to put it down clearly, cohesively … I am grateful you are here, that you are expending the energy that I can’t. I am so grief-stricken it’s too painful even to read more than a sentence or paragraph from the comments above. Thank you for creating this place where I am no longer alone–where I don’t have to hide my grief. I’ll be seeking comfort here as our trauma unfolds over the next year or so…
Thank you for your story. Good to know people like you can share great information with a heart for our kids.
Thank you for sharing I am so greatful to have been accepted into a support group and able to have other families who share /relate withour happy/sad moments.
This was so profound and true. Thank you for sharing your heart and knowledge. Thank you for understanding this grieving process.
My wife and I have been foster parents for several years and we fostered one son with the plan to adopt from the time he was two and half until he was almost four years old. We love that boy like no one else can. He had a rough start in life and as a result had a lot of challenging emotional issues that were very physically, emotionally and spiritually draining on us and our older forever son. Long story short we came to realize that we did not live in large enough community that had the specialized resources, care and attention he and we needed to be successful as a family and made the difficult decision to let him go to a family who lived in a community that could provide that resources he needed.
We created a picture book and sent a long personal letter and a scripture that we claimed as his life verse. It was so hard that day to place him in a stranger’s vehicle with all his stuff and then watch him drive away. We later found out he had been moved a couple of more times within a month due his behaviors, which we of course took on as our fault. The grief and guilt and devastation of losing him nearly destroyed our family. We took a break from fostering and got plugged back into God and found ways to express our grief individually and as a family. He has been gone 26 months now….His sixth birthday was just a week or so ago and my wife and I both knew it yet couldn’t barely bring ourselves to talk about it. I miss that smile and the sparkle in his eyes in a way I never thought possible. Even sitting here typing these tears are streaming down my face.
The other day I was in a meeting and a caseworker commented on the fact that she had seen our boy recently and commented on how well he was doing and how he was adopted and the family was doing well. It was a relief to hear the positive news about him, yet it saddened me in that his forever family has chosen not to let us be a part of his life even from a distance and that hurts as well. I don’t know if they are Christians or if they are church going folk or what? I don’t know what they tell him about Daddy Brock and Mommy Julie? I don’t know if he remembers his big brother, Court, that he used to wrestle with all the time. That is one of those issues of faith that I struggle with some days and I just have to put my boy back in God’s hands…as a gift that he treasures for me!
We have now had two sisters in our home for nineteen months and originally we were fairly confident that they were staying with us forever. The case has take us through the mountain highs and valley lows and we have even come under attack from the previous foster parents of our girls due to our diligence to seek out what is best for the girls. The case is finally coming to a head and there are still some very interesting variable in the mix, but already I am grieving at the very thought that someone somewhere is considering taking our girls from our home. We are hoping and praying to have resolution to their case in the next couple of months. It is as though we sit with baited breath waiting for the outcome of how are family will change soon.
Can I imagine life with my girls? I never imagine life without my boy either? Yet here I sit waiting, praying and hoping for God’s will be to done – which I hope is my deepest desire (let us keep the girls God). I can see my boy’s smiling face looking at me from the wall nearby where he is placed in honor. I hope that a year from now i won’t be looking at the faces of my two little girls on the wall next to my boy….
AWESOME article! Hope more people in position to help will read the article.
My husband and I have been doing foster care for about 8 years now and each time we send a child back whether it be to their parent (s) or other family members I cry and grieve for what seems like a long time. Even if we know going into the situation that they are MOST likely only with us for a short time I still love them and grieve when they leave. We as a family feel God’s calling to love, care, nurture and protect them for whatever time they are with us. Since we take infants to age 6 that means attachments form quickly and we are always sad to see them leave even when they are returning to good situations. We have had a couple circumstances when we have been able to form mentoring relationships with the mom’s or parents and still have some contact. Not all the time but those few times make things seem a little easier. We currently have 2 young foster kids that we have had living with us for almost 6 months and it looks like they will be going to family for guardianship placement. Not sure how that will work out but have to pray and trust that they are cared for and loved wherever they are at.
Already not starting to miss them and think about what our house will feel like without them here. We do have a support network of good friends a few of them who are also foster parents so that helps but the pain is still there.
I love this article and have always refered back to it. Today is the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my foster son. How do you handle the emotions of these milestones?
I wish that I could tell you how to handle grief when it comes back at you full force. I think that it is another part of the grieving process that many overlook – there are times when grief comes back at you just as fresh as it was the day you first experienced it – even if it has been a very long time since the loss. You never get over this kind of loss, you just get to a point where you can move forward, but the loss is always with you – it becomes a part of who you are – you just get to choose how to use it. For some, they can use their loss to help others through the same loss, for some, they use their loss to motivate them to help prevent the same type of losses for others. For some, the scars are too deep and painful to continue in the same area, but it motivates them to find healing through another act of service. Grief is a personal journey. I am sad with you over your loss that you are experiencing anew again today. It is real grief and sadness and you have every right to feel it.
Thank u for this arricle! We just had court and the judge denied the state’s request for adoption to be the primary plan. I have had to always tell myself that our fosyer son will go home, but it has not lessened the grief.
My first foster daughter was a beautiful liltte 3 year old when she came to me. I also took her newborn sister when she was born 5 months later. I raised them both for a year and half when I lost them to their grandmother. The grief was overwhelming and debilitating. It was a true loss !!!!! I never thought I would be able to get past it. I also swore I would not foster again.
3 months after losing my beautiful little girls, I rec’d a call about newborn preemie twins needing a home. I said no. It turned out if I did not take them, they were going to be split up! I just felt like it was such a sin and that they should not have to suffer anymore then they already had. So, I said yes. I have had them a year and half this month and I am so happy I decided to continue. Please know, this is not the answer for everyone and I completely understand why it is too hard to put yourself through this. I just remembered someone telling me that you will know if you can do this work after you suffer your first loss.
I know God had another plan for me. My first 2 are doing wonderfully with their grandmother !! They are a positive story in the system. They had to leave so the twins could be here. The twins I have had no one and would have had a very sad future had we not taken them. We are going to adopt them as soon as possible. It is possible to go on, even when you can not see the light. I know the pain some of you are suffering and there are no easy answers. It does become a part of you. Its just a matter of being able to live with it and go on and hopefully still have the life you had hoped for !
What a blessing this post has been to so many people…myself included! Thank you for taking the time to write about this.
I have read every word, every post, and cried several times doing so. I have two sons (brothers) that I adopted 8 years ago. They were straight-up adoption. That was easy. Last year I went thru the whole homestudy process again because I want to adopt a baby. I knew that going the fost/adopt route was the only way to get an infant. I was licensed on a Friday. The following Monday I got called for a 10 day old baby boy still in the hospital. My first baby!!! Mom was on crack and had lost custody of her first six children and no family member came forth to get him. I was told Mom didn’t want him. She was in her 40’s, not a child. My worker told me this would end up being an adoptive situation. For the first few months I had to worry about the ‘supposed’ father. I say that because when it came time to do the court-ordered paternity test, he never showed up and then was out of the picture. They missed visits, once for an entire month. All the while, my baby boy grew into the happiest baby you could imagine. We got stopped all the time because all he did was smile. I sang to him all the time and we had our special songs, and our own private little jokes. Even as a baby, he got it. When I would pick him up from daycare I would stand back and watch him watch all the other parents come and get their children. I would then sneak up behind him and kiss him on the cheek and he would smile as big as Texas and start kicking his little feet and waving his arms as if to say “MY Mom Is Here!!!” He knew I belonged to him. When he was six months old I called his worker, a young girl, no kids herself, to tell her something. That’s when she hit me with, “Oh, by the way, I was going to call you. We’re moving him.” That’s it! No warning, no easing into it, no “I’m sorry to tell you…”. Just “We’re moving him.” I already knew no family members had come forth. It turned out that a ‘friend of the family’ who was already licensed because she adopted one of HER families’ kids was willing to take him. What??? Now I have to go thru friends too??? Because she was already licensed, there was little work for the worker to do to get her approved so the move could be immediate. I wrote to every superior within my local district as well as the state. I argued, pleaded, begged. When they placed him with me I was told that if he couldn’t be reunited with his parents, or a FAMILY member, I would have the first option to adopt him!!!! That’s what they told us in class! I believed that!! Now a friend??? In the end, I lost. They said that being with a friend with family ties was in his best interest and would help with the mother getting clean to want to get him back. Well… six months with me and six months with her and Mom still hasn’t gotten clean. Court is in January. I’m going. I’m hoping to see the mom. When I lost in court that day, sobbing as I was, I hugged her and prayed to her that she take care of him. She said she knew I was bonded to him and understood. Oddly, I liked her. She was not the enemy here. I believe that the DYFS workers are the ones who create all the misconceptions in our fosterparent minds. They tell you everything they think you want to hear in order for you to take these kids. Otherwise, they have to work harder to find places to put the kids and like e everyone else, they want to go home at 5. Two weeks to the day after I handed over my beautiful baby, I got called to take a sibling set. A 3 yr old boy and his 7 month old sister. I knew of the potential heartbreak but I said yes before she even finished talking. In my heart I kept telling myself that somewhere along the way I will get to adopt again. What really ticked me off was as I was anxiously awaiting the two new little ones to get dropped off, I received a call from the woman again saying to me “I know you gave us a hard time about your last baby. If you’re going to give us a hard time again when it comes to these babies being returned then I’m not going to give them to you!” She said it as if she was my parent and I her child! Mind you, I’m in my late 40’s. I wanted to say… “Whose doing who a favor here? The system NEEDS loving fosterhomes! You advertise for them! And I do not work for you! Subsidy is NOT a paycheck! My kids go without nothing! They are spoiled, loved, cared for and have more than most. Stop treating me as if I should be at your mercy. You come into my home and scrutinize with your eyes as if just looking for things to put in your little book. I have four kids! My house is not going to be spotless! Yes, I know there are bad fosterhomes… But I’ve proven myself over the past eight years. I have received awards. My family has been spotlighted on adoption websites. Treat me fairly!!!” Mind you, a month after my first baby was placed, they placed a 9 month old baby boy with me as well. He had totally different circumstances. I prayed he go back to his mom. I knew how much she loved him and that he should be with her. He was with me for only 6 weeks and today she and I are very good friends. We spend hours on the phone… we share pictures and email. I will watch him grow, but I knew he was not mine. She worked her butt off to do what she needed to in order to get him back. Six weeks and he was home! I never shed a tear. Yet my worker told me he would definitely be an adoptive placement. I do not believe that a child is always better off with bio family and sometimes it shouldn’t be so forced. Currently I am bending over backwards and doing way more than I need to be in order to help both my fosterbabies’ birthmom as well as making life easier for their worker. When I tell other workers who I am friendly with or other fosterparents what I do, they think I’m nuts. I don’t expect anything in return – not even a thank you, which is good because I never get one anyway. I feel that if the children’s workers were more honest with us from the very beginning and not fill our heads with the idea that these children will become ours to adopt then we can go about caring for them with the right mindset. Not say to us after months and months of believing that…. ‘Oh… by the way….”
Thank you so much. We have 19 month old twin foster daughters who will be reunited soon. They’ve been with us since they were 5 months old. I don’t know how my husband and I are going to get through the grief, but just reading this helps. It helps to see so much of our loss, worry, and sadness put into words. We have no friends or family who foster and we often feel like no one really understands what this is like. Bless you all, who understand. Bless you all, who understand, and still love.
Thank you for writing this. I think I cycled through all the emotions again even though it’s been months since we’ve even had a foster child in our home.
After I read this entire blog, and added my story as well, I was chatting with my sister about it. I told her how I cried my eyes out, both still missing my first baby and feeling the stress of losing my current one! Its amazing to me…. She has seen me with my babies, and KNOWS how deeply I love them, yet she still said to me “You can’t let yourself get all stressed out when they go back. Just think of it as your babysitting them.” I know she means well, but she just doesn’t get it either. No one does… unless you’ve lived it. It is absolutely impossible to hold a sleeping baby in your arms, or stay up with a sick child all nite, and give them every ounce of your love, day after day, nite after nite… celebrate with them when they take their first step, say their first word, or watch their once toothless little smile have those first little teeth pop out, and to have them give you their very first hug… to ‘feel like ‘their babysitter’. I am NOT a babysitter…. I am a Mother! I so seriously wish that part of caseworker requirements were: 1) To BE a mother or father! Not a young, childless girl whose maternal instincts haven’t even surfaced yet!; and, 2) To spend six months fostering a baby. Attach to it. Love it! Protect it! Then give it back to an uncertain future and know you will never see that baby again! Maybe THEN they would have a better understanding of what it really is to be a foster parent.
This is for all of you. It helps me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX79VxZ5j4g&feature=related
I am a single foster mother. I have had 13 children in my home, but one set stole my heart completely. When they were placed they were supposed to be up for adoption and I fell in love with them before I even met them. Within 30 minutes of meeting me, My son decided to call me mom. And I was mom from then on. After 1 week less than 2 years, they were reunified with their mother. She is trying I can see it, and at times she does allow contact. Although that is like peeling the scab off. My baby girl was 2.5 when she came into my home, and left at 4.5 and her mother allowed a visit a year after reunification, and my baby started crying because she didn’t want to leave me again. And I am thankful because their mom is trying to be a better person for them, but it still isn’t what they had here.
Here is what I wrote 6 months after they left: I titled it “A Foster Mother’s Grief”
I sit in the silence, crying
Staring at pictures of my beautiful children
Aching to hold my children again, to hold my babies,
but crying because they are not mine any longer.
I am surrounded by a million pictures,
and yet the pictures are nothing without them.
And seeing them is bittersweet,
Because the memories are so dear that I miss them even more.
I try not to think about them being gone,
And yet at times it hits me in the face
And I am back standing on the driveway
Watching them drive out of my life.
The bond is undeniable, but there is no tie that I can hold on to
I have no rights, no guarantees.
My only sin is possibly loving them too much.
I do not feel like I should grieve , or that I have a right to grieve,
As a parent who has lost a child to death can grieve
And yet I have lost my children,
Likely forever
There is no guarantee that I will ever hold them again
And yet there is a constant nagging fear that they are in danger
And I am powerless
There is no peace
There is only a constant agonizing quandary that comes with this uncertainty.
Is it my right to cry for you?
You are not really gone, and yet you are.
It has been 6 long months without you
Six months since I held you in my arms
And sang you to sleep at night,
Since I could walk in your room and know exactly where you were
Since I was awakened by you crawling in bed with me in the middle of the night.
And I feel like a fool for crying at the very mention of your name
People still stop and ask if you are mine for keeps,
And I have to tell them that you are gone.
God only knows just how much I miss you.
I miss you every hour of every day
I thank God for every minute that I got to hold you,
I thank him for every goodnight hug.
I will never stop thanking him for every time
That my baby girl said “Mommy, I love who.”
I thank him for every smile you gave me,
I even thank him for the times when I had to be a mean mom
Because I know that you both became more who you needed to be
I had two amazing years, two amazing glorious years
Filled with so much joy and love that it should last a lifetime,
And yet that abundance of love makes the absence that much colder.
And I wanted more.
I wanted a lifetime with you.
I wanted to hold you forever,
I wanted to watch every moment
Cheer with every good report card ,
believing of course that they would all be good.
To watch you in a million ball games, and dance recitals
Take you to places new and exciting
Watch you dress up for your first formal
To be the one fussing over all of the details at your weddings,
Because that is what I would have done,
What I would have given anything to have done.
I wanted to cry at your graduation
Or as I packed your room up to send you to college
I didn’t want to pack your stuff and send it away now
I wasn’t ready to let go.
I don’t think that I will ever be ready to let go.
And yet I feel selfish for wanting you back,
Because to want you back would mean that you would go through more
And your life has already been filled with too much
And it would mean that your mother had failed,
And I feel guilty for wanting anyone to fail.
And yet I would give anything to have my children back.
I would move heaven and earth.
And I look forward to the day when this pain has dulled some.
When it isn’t a constant stabbing, shooting pain.
And yes babies, mommy is still crying.
I miss you, and I knew that I would
From before I even met you.
I knew that you were mine before I ever laid eyes on you
I loved you then, and I love you now
And I will always love you, with every breath that I breathe.
I will love you forever.
I will miss you forever.
You will always be mine.
This is absolutely beautiful! Thanks for sharing it with us. What you are experiencing is called “ambiguous loss”. You will grieve, as if someone died, but they haven’t died, making it worse because you know they’re still out there but can’t have contact with them. It helped me to be able to label what I was experiencing. I had a foster daughter who we were going to adopt for 18 months. Then one day after court her bio mom called and said the judge ordered my daughter back in her care. It was a shock to everyone and I’ve been grieving ever since.
My wife and I experienced that too, the grief is still so painful. I never even got a chance to say goodbye as I was at work when they were taken. What I wouldn’t give to see them again and be able to say “I didn’t throw you away. I love you.”
I am so very sorry. That is just unconscionable to not allow you the opportunity to say good-bye and for the children not to have the opportunity to say good-bye as well. I really am sorry and am heartbroken for you. The loss is bad enough without having to endure it with no warning and no chance to say good-bye. It is my hope that foster parents like yourself will remain involved in the system so that you can help prevent this from happening to another family. Unless you’ve lived through the foster care process, there is no way you can understand the sacrifices that foster parents make.
This is an update on the story of my children. Their mom has allowed some contact with me, even allowing me to have them for several days at Christmas. It was wonderful and terrible at the same time. Of course I love every moment with them, but it also meant I had to say goodbye again. Well last week their mother posted a picture of my baby girl with glasses. Then I read the caption that said that one of her eyes isnt working. I paniced at first thinking, she lived with me for 2 years, I didn’t somehow miss this did I? So I was talking to one of my friends who started googling… The last night that they were in my home, their mother was arrested for felony child abuse. And they were never taken from the home. She gave her step son 10 energy drinks in a day and some perscription medicine to calm him afterwards. The child couldn’t feel his legs by the time he got home and then his vision was blurred. So now I am more panicked that something has been given to my baby because she suddenly has developed a vision problem. I just want them to be safe! I’m so thankful for the chance to talk to other foster parents about this loss. There are times when I think that I am dealing with it, and then moments when everything seems to be falling apart all over again!
Beautifully said!
My God, this tore me apart reading this. Four years ago my wife and I lost the most wonderful little boy and his baby sisters,and I have never stopped hurting for them. We received the little guy when he was three weeks old,and his sisters we picked up at the hospital when they were two days old. Four years and I still dream about holding him and I cry nearly every day. I tried to get disclosure, but DSHS simply will not help. I wish I knew that they were being taken care of and loved. I just want to know.
I forgot to mention this but we had him for three years and his sisters for nearly two ..
Thank you so much to you for sharing your story, and for everyone who has shared their story here. I fostered a little girl, from the age of 18 months to 3.5 years. All through the placement, the social worker told me I would be able to adopt. I made life plans for me and my daughter, but they suddenly decided to place her in a home with her biological siblings (whom she did not know), and she was taken from my home without notice. I offered to adopt all three children, but was told I could not, because I was a single parent. It was very traumatic for me and her, and I am still grieving (more than a year later). No one seems to understand why I am grieving, so it is especially nice to find people who understand my pain, and it’s nice to feel less alone.
Thank you for your post. I am printing it out to give to our church for counseling grieving families like ours. We got into foster care because we tried for years for biological children. When we realized that we couldn’t have children, we grieved that loss before choosing foster to adopt. We loved the idea of caring for children who need stable loving homes after going through trauma. We received beautiful 7 month old twin girls and we assured they were low risk adoptable. We knew that nothing in foster care is a guarantee, but we were assured that this was clear cut. The mother previously had lost her other 4 children and was was still using drugs. We were assured that the only one who wanted them was a half sibling’s father’s aunt, but that she was already ruled out. We fell in love with our girls! It wasn’t until 3 months into when we went to court we were showered with reality. We met the girls lawyer, who was lazy and didn’t even know we had the girls because she had not even opened the case until that morning. We also found out that we were assigned to a judge who was very pro bio family, even if it was not a good situation. He is known for ignoring the DCFS and putting children back into unsafe home to achieve the political goal of reunification. We also found out the county had used us as emergency foster care and that this aunt was not officially ruled out, as we were told. So we are preparing to lose our girls, who we have loved for four months. They are the only children we have had and we love them so deeply. We know the home they are being sent to is not a good one. My heart breaks and breaks all over again. It’s hard to hold them, love them, watch them grow, call me Mama and know they are heading to a home that is not a good one, all for the sake of reunification. Thank you for your post and the words of comfort it has been to my heart.
Cheryl, I’m so sorry. There isn’t anything that anyone can say or do that will make the pain go away. Only time will do that and that will still never completely take it away. There’s a book, Ambiguous Loss, that gets at the type of loss you’re experiencing. It’s not necessarily about foster care/adoption, but the type of loss is still the same. Pauline Boss is the author. If you happen to be in Los Angeles County I have some contacts that might be able to help you.
Reading everyone’s stories, as well as my own experience, it just infuriates me that workers, law guardians and judges really don’t seem to give a damn what kind of life these children will have when reunited with bio family. Its no wonder that they are in such desperate need of foster families. I’m sure that many people want to foster/adopt but after being lied to, hurt, and pretty much abandoned by the system that we so fervently try to help, people just say ‘forget it’. Workers will say anything in order to place a child. They want to go home at 5! I have yet to get a placement where I wasn’t told in one way or another that ‘this is gonna be a tpr situation’. One only lasted six weeks! My two current foster babes, brother (4) and sister (17 mos) have been with me now for 10 months. I was told from the beginning in classes that after a year, the goal is reconsidered and ‘adoption’ becomes the goal. I just learned that bio mom, 24, who also has a 5 yr old special needs child in a separate foster placement, is pregnant again. I’m crazy wondering how this will affect the judge’s decision to continue with reunification. BM has yet to do what she was supposed to do but I know this judge is also very pro-bio family. When I think of how smart these two children (17 mo old has a 80+ word vocab!), and how unfair it is to them to have their potential be destroyed `because of being placed with a young, inadequate bio mother, it makes me want to scream. I am so madly in love with my babies, and as you all know, its a daily worry…. wondering…..
My husband and I share your hurt! We just lost our baby girl to her bio-dad who has only seen her 3 times since she was 5 months old, she’s now 30 months old. Birth mom is in prison and lost all five of her other children, yet the judge ruled to give our baby girl to the bio dad, with no conditions! It sickens my husband and me.
It’s been over two and half weeks since we said goodbye to our lil angel… I still don’t know what to do with myself. I can only trust God that He sees all, and He is watching over our baby girl.
I just don’t understand WHY??!! Why isnt the law protecting the innocent? Why does the law seem to protect the bad? Our judge literally said “i know they are NOT the idealistic parents but we live in an Un-IDEALISTIC world, we have to try and make the best of it”….WHAT?! He had a chance to MAKE A DIFFERENCE for the innocent!!!!
We hurt for her, and we hurt missing her, and we hurt not being able to hold her, hug her, kiss her, provide for her, teach her and be with her through her tomorrows!
This website has helped me the past couple of days…
Trusting in God,
Tammy
Why didn’t ASFA take affect in your case? I’m assuming you were fostering her. The law is if a child is in placement 15 out of 22 months (does not have to be consecutive either) than parental rights are to be terminated! Why did they continue looking for the father? I pray this BF realizes he’s not the best parent for her and she comes back to you. I know if my two fosterbabies go back to their mother, I am keeping their beds open in the event she messes up again… and her history pretty much says she will….. Praying for you.
I have previously posted on this site. First after the loss of our first foster baby and then to update that we had taken in another placement whom I was afraid to bond with due to the fear of heartache. Well a year and a half after she was placed in our home I have to say that I love her more than anything and my boys are also madly in love with her. She will turn 2 in April and all along we were told that this would be a TPR case. She is the 9th child born to an HIV +, drug addict, homeless mom with severe mental health issues. Bio-mom is due with her 10th, yes I said 10th child in May and although she has spent the last 18 months doing none of the things the courts told her to do – her 5 year old daughter was injured in another foster home and suddenly the system has changed directions completely and she will have her children returned to her on the 27th of this month. At this point five of her kids have been adopted out, one is with a bio-dad and three are in care currently in three different homes. The state has given her an EFFICIENCY apartment and even the workers have admitted that out of fear of bio-mom suing for the injury her daughter suffered by an accident…the Foster System is pushing these kids out of the system. My heart is broken, I fear for her safety because the neighborhood she will go to is a heavy drug area. I fear for her because basically she is being ripped from the only home she has ever known and being sent to live with strangers in a tiny one room apartment. All that she has known in our home with her beautiful room, her clean clothes, plenty of food, toys and love – seems like a cruel joke because I know her condition when she was found and put into foster care and I know what she is going to face again. Her sister cried telling her foster mom stories of the rats and roaches and the sexual & physical abuse she endured and now my beautiful baby is being sent to live this life. Nobody seems to care, nobody seems to want to listen or make change. What is wrong with our society that our kids are treated like objects and their well-being is never taken into account? So many babies born addicted to drugs and yet they are sent home with the parents. So many chances to ruin these babies…we become foster parents and put our hearts on the line everyday. We love until we have nothing left to give and we lose in the end. We lose our babies, we lose hope for their future, we lose the opportunity to change the cycle of their lives and we lose contact – it’s the unknown. We never get closure, we never know anything – because tomorrow the case worker will repeat this cycle, the judge will award custody of other children to other unqualified bio-parents and our babies and our stories will be forgotten. But we won’t forget – and so I thank God for this website and for you – my fellow foster parents who grieve the same grief as me. I count down the days until the 27th…almost wishing it was already over and also wishing for one more second, one more minute to love her. My heart breaks, my tears are non-stop and my anger consumes me. Thank you for your support and my God bless each of you tonight as you try to find comfort in the memories of your children.
WHAT???? That sounds crazy!!! But you are right in that DYFS is sooo afraid of being sued by these bio parents that they will sacrifice the babies! And the bio families know all the loopholes from being in the system, probably some since THEY were kids! I am sooo sorry you are going thru this and pray the judge will have a change of mind. Its just ridiculous!! Some of these workers and lawyers and judges are no better than the familes that put these kids in the system in the first place! Have you considered hiring an attorney of your own?
Thankyou….. reading all these postings with tears streaming down my face has at last made me realise I am not alone. My husband and I have been fostering for 5 years and we have moved 5 little ones onto adoption in this time. The first 4 were 2 sets of siblings and yes, we cried and it was painful, but we moved forward and accepted this was part of our role as a foster parent, and fortunately we have been able to keep in touch and see them all happy and thriving in their new forever homes. However, our last little one who moved on in January has left my heart feeling like it is breaking every day. This little girl came to us at 1 day old and I was smitten. It was like looking at my own daughter when she was a baby and our whole family fell in love with this beautiful little baby girl. We were as proud of her first milestones as we were of our own babies. When we found out she had a potential inherited serious heart condition, we decided with all our family that we would apply to adopt her, and at this point we had full support of social services. For 6 months of her young life we thought she would be ours, but we had to wait for a final court hearing before we could start the official adoption process and just before this her bio mum informed social services she was pregnant again. At this point, a new care plan was put forth to have our little girl adopted with her sibling. We were devastated, but said we would adopt both children – we were now refused because to survive financially we would need to continue to foster as well (we normally care for a minimum of 3 children at any one time). Our little girl moved onto adoption in January aged 22 months with her baby sister whom she had only had minimum contact with. The introductions with her new family and saying goodbye have been devastating on our family. Her adoptive family are making it clear that they really do not want to keep in touch. I torture myself with thoughts on why she must think we left her and I cant believe the physical pain I am feeling at her loss. I look at her photos all the time, cuddle her babygros on a teddy, have a picture and lock of her hair in a locket. I sometimes think I am making it worse for myself, but it is the only way I know how to cope with the pain. Social services offer no counselling service and although I have read books on loss, as you have said in various posts, there is no absolute closure so your grieving process is not the same. Also, I feel I can’t open up and tell people how I feel, as they think it is a job we do and therefore we shouldn’t feel this sort of grief. I’m hoping one day I will feel acceptance and be able to move on, but for now it is a comfort knowing I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Thankyou again ……
so sorry to hear your loss – but I lost my children to foster care when I was ill – then i failed to have them returned to me – because i could not prove myself to be a perfect mother – the loss I feel is worse than is they had died – my children want to be with me – but they are not allowed to – I am a professional woman who went through a bad divorce from a bully of a husband – the childrens father and even tho they said they wanted to be with me – it was “deemed in their best interests” to remain with their foster carers – You are not their blood mother or father – you will never understand the feeling that you would “die for your children” which I am prepared to do – you are paid to be their parents – I asked for help to get our family over a rough time and we were “rewarded ” by being split up
Sally,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that the system is not perfect and that there are families out there whose children have been removed who should not have been. I disagree with your statement that I will never understand the feeling that I would “die for my children”. I am not paid to be my son’s parent (who I adopted from foster care). I would absolutely do anything and everything necessary for his good. Our current foster child is receiving medical care, paid for out of our pocket, because we felt that she needed better services than what the system would provide. Parenting is from the heart, not from genetics. You sound as if you do have a true mother’s heart and my mother’s heart aches for you. Please do not underestimate the love that adoptive parents’ have for their children. Sometimes, we may even love our children MORE because we have had to work so very hard to bring them into our family. For us, it took SEVEN years to add our son to our family through adoption. I am thankful, every single day, that he is now our son. We continue to be in contact with his birth mother and her parents’ and her family – they are his family, too, just as you will always be your children’s’ mother, but please don’t believe that your children cannot receive just as much love from a family that is not genetically related to them. I hope that you can find some peace knowing that it is possible for families to love children who are not genetically related to them.
Sally,
As a biological mother to five boys and a foster mother to 2 currently and 2 in the past – I am sorry for your loss. However, I take great offense to your comments because this site was created for the “grieving foster parent”. Obviously you have not read all the posts or you would understand that we come here because our hearts are breaking and we are seeking SUPPORT from each other. We come here to this site to share our stories or our LOVE for OUR children. Some of us have successfully adopted which means we are NOT being paid to be their parents and some of us are begging to adopt and would give up our paycheck in an instant to be the mommy & daddy that these children so need and deserve. The system can obviously screw up on both ends but in my situation this birth mom is pregnant with her 10th child, she lives off of welfare, her children are born HIV indeterminent (and yet I still brought this baby into my home and loved her), born addicted to drugs and are now being sent back to her to live in a one room efficiency in the heart of the inner city poverty with her and her mental illnesses. So please don’t claim to know our hearts, we do this out of love. I am a Medical Foster Parent which means that all the kids have medical issues and to qualify to be a parent in this program you MUST show proof of the ability to financially exist WITHOUT the stipend you receive from foster care. This is NOT my job. I am a nurse and my husband is a Detective. I make more money in 3 days of work at the hospital than I do in a month from being a foster parent. NOBODY can be paid to be a MOM. Maybe some people are in it for the money but that is NOT the case on this forum, we are all here grieving. I don’t see the mention of anyone grieving the loss of their paycheck – we are grieving the loss of our children. Again, I’m sorry if the system messed up in your case and I can’t imagine losing my child but for you to come here and belittle our feelings is wrong and I would hope that you coudl find your own grief site and please never post such incosiderate things here again. This is the one place where we can find comfort and we don’t need you to question our feelings.
Well said Kelli! Many people think foster parents get paid, that simply isn’t the case! The stipend check is money for the child’s needs: clothes, food, and a place to live. It in no way pays the foster parent for the care they give the child. IF it was only for care, it would be less than $20 per day (at least that’s the case in Cali.) and that is less than $1 per day!
I’m so sorry about your loss, it sounds like a living hell! I just don’t understand why judges and social workers continue to make poor choices for these vulnerable children.
Thank you for defending us, Kelli! I would give up everything for my kids, and just because I don’t have biological children certainly does not mean that I am not a mom to my kids. We are here because even years after children have left our home, we still grieve the loss. I am sorry that you lost your children, but guess what, we did too. And our only crime was being good parents and loving the kids too much. Just so you know, I cried for my kids mom the first time that she saw them after they came to live with me, because my baby girl didn’t know who she was and cried and refused to go for her. And I thought how terrible it would be for your baby not to recognize you. But we have a right to have a place where we can go and comfort each other. I know that I would do anything for my kids. I just want them to have the very best life possible, and yes they would have more advantages if they were with me. They would have a safer more stable life. We have no rights, and yet we willing, wholeheartedly give our love to children who become in our hearts our own children. Again, I’m sorry that you think that the system messed up in your case, and it very well may have. We understand that. The system has messed up a lot, and we understand that here probably better than anyone. Because it is our babies who were sent back into unsafe environments. And I don’t care what you say, they are our children too. We care for them. love them, rock them to sleep at night, kiss their owies, hold them close when they wake up from a nightmare. Where I am I get around $10.00 a day to help pay for living expenses. I’m not doing this for the money. You’d have to be insane to do this for the money. I do it because I love these kids. I do it because I had a friend who died at the age of 11 because she was in a bad home. Because I wanted more than anything for my parents to become foster parents to keep her safe. And you know what, I couldn’t save her, but I can give my love and care to children who need me. And then there is a little part of me that is doing this for her. So no, money is the least of my concerns. I do this out of love.
Sally,
I wanted to send my condolences for your loss. However, I would also like to echo the notion that this is most likely not the right site for you to find the comfort that you need. To assume that we, as foster parents,” do not understand the feeling that you “would die for your children” is, simply put, wrong.
My husband and I tried for eight years to have children. Then we decided to go through the system. Shortly after being licensed to foster/adopt, we found out we were, somehow, pregnant. We decided to go though the adoption process anyways…we knew there are always children in need, and we had plenty of space and love to give. When we took in the twins a few shorts weeks later (see post from April 20, 2010) we were assured that they would be ours forever…they even told us to call them what we would put on the adoption papers. We brought those babies home from the hospital with every bit of Love and Hope that we had when we brought home our biological children. Unfortunately, as is the case with many others, the social workers grossly overestimated the likelihood that we would be able to adopt them, and we lost them to their biological father after just short of 1 year.
Yes, the state gave us a small check. But we had our own income, and I can Assure you, the state check did not cover all that we provided for those babies. But the money isn’t really the issue here. The issue is that we LOVE those babies!!! Still do…and always will. I would have, and still would put my life on the line for those babies! I rocked them to sleep at night, I stayed by their beds when they got sick, I gave them their first foods, celebrated their first Christmas/Halloween/Easter, I was there when they learned to sit up and to crawl (I will never forget the first time she smiled that big bright smile and crawled to me when I walked in the room), I was there for their first snow, their first tooth, their firsts smiles, I sang to them, played peek-a-boo, kissed boo-boos, and gave them big hugs and All my Love. You don’t do those things without forming a deep and real emotional connection…a true and everlasting love.
I am lucky that I have been able to maintain a connection with the twins. Their biological father and his wife take good care of them. And my husband and I get to see them about twice a month. But, as thankful as I am to be able to play a small part, any part, in their lives, it still hurts. I have been demoted from mommy to sort of a fun aunt that takes them places and always brings toys. Even when seeing them, I grieve for the babies that I lost…the babies they were and the life that we could have had together as a family. I live in constant fear that their family might move or that they will one day outgrow the need for toys and play-dates…that what little bit of a relationship I have been able to maintain with them will dissolve. At every chance I get, I make every effort to show them just how much I love them…I tell them over and over and over …so many times just hoping they will never forget.
Blood, or not, a parent is a parent and love is love. As, non-biological parents, we hear enough “they weren’t really yours,” “at least you have your biological child(ren),” “you’ll get more,” or “it’s time to move on” from friends, family, and acquaintances…we don’t deserve to hear such things on a site that is dedicated to helping us to help one another deal with the grief that comes with losing a child.
I would give my life in a heartbeat for my children – Both adopted. My other two children are my foster babies… yet… even knowing they are not legally mine, they are still MY babies in my heart… and I would kill AND die for them as well. A parent’s love is an unselfish love. There’s nothing stronger.
I am glad to have found people who understand what I a going through. I was asked to take placement of a brother and sister in a foster-adoptive situation. The parental rights were terminated. I received a positive home study. Unfortunately, one of them wanted to be placed elsewhere, with another sibing also in fostercare that he was closer to, but who was old enough to refuse to be adopted legally. The sister wanted to be adopted into my home with all her heart. They were my children for more than a year before everything fell apart.
Their last day haunts me….while the brother was happy to leave, I still hear my daughter screaming hysterically over and over for me….took them most of an hour and 2 people to remove her. I was nearby and they wouldn’t let us say goodbye or let me help calm her. How is she ever going to attach to anyone else? How are we ever going to get over that day??
Starting that moment, she was kidnapped, separated from her brother, and held incommunicado from all family and foster family for the two months following the disruption of her adoption, and they took all her photos of me away. They put the brother in a psychiatric facility for two months and drugged him to get him compliant with their case plan. They are planning to try and force both of them into a new preadoptive home and try this whole thing all over again with a foster/adoptive mother who has no problem adopting a child against his will.
I put in an official grievance, I went to the ombudsman’s office, I have talked to anyone and everyone about what they did to the kids. I am still advocating for them, calling, writing, and trying everything I can to get them justice. I’m so broken. This is all I can think of…all I can do until I get my daughter back, and that will probably never happen. She was kidnapped right in front of me and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.
Ignorant people tell me that they weren’t my children and to move on. My own extended family tell me to forget them and focus on the children I already have. I’m dehydrated and continually exhausted from crying and insomnia.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it hurts when people tell you to “move on”. You cannot move on from emotional wounds, anymore than you can move on from physical wounds. We will always carry the scars of our experiences with us. One thing I would encourage you to do, however, is to either get grief counseling or to join a grief support group. The grief you are experiencing is real, but it sounds as though you still have other responsibilities which require you to continue to function through your grief. Please seek out someone who is compassionate and recognizes that you are dealing with loss so that you can have some support through this difficult time. Praying for you….
Thank-you for sharing. I’m grieving the loss of our 8-month old fosterson, who came to us as a newborn, since we were in the process of adopting his 2 year old half brother (same mom). How do I tell my son his brother is now living with his paternal grandmother and he can only see his brother 1x a month? My son loves his brother so much that he’d crawl into the crib and lay beside baby m while trying to soothe and comfort him when he would cry.
How can I not worry about baby m when I know he lives in a section of town referred to as heroin alley? Or, know that his dad is in prison…his uncle was recently released from prison and great uncle is in prison. What will my fosterson’s future look like?
The only comfort I have is that we’ve retained our own atty so that we can keep the two brothers together so they grow up with the same background and value system.
My sister just had her foster son of 6 yrs returned back to his biological mother. That little boy is everything to her and she is to him also. He is very medically fragile. His mother did drugs when she was pregnant and that’s why he has so many health issues.My sister has spent many, many sleepless nights with him in her home and at many hospital stays.She has been trying to adopt him since she was able to take him home which was right from the hospital. My sister loves this little boy so much and i don’t know how shes going to get through this. There was no reason for them to take him. He has been in perfect care. Even Drs and nurses that know him have been trying to keep CPS from placing him with his biological mother because my sister knows him like the back of her hand. She knows every sound he makes and what each one means. Hes unable to speak, only a few words. His favorite thing he says to my sister is, I LOVE. He’s saying i love you back to her. His mother has already been in a facility for two weeks with around the clock nurses and they even said she can not care for him. She also has never once had even one unsupervised visit with him. There is way to many things he needs and she cannot do them all. My sister knows him and can give him all him meds, and there is a lot of them, with her eyes closed. Not that she would do that but you know what I mean. He also needs to be in a calm and sterile environment and he will not have that at were he is now. I hate feeling so helpless and I wish there was something I could do.I pray for her everyday as i will with all of you. Please pray for my sister also. Its going to be a long road to go down.
Well its been months and my sister thought she found a good lawer that could take on CPS but as everyone knows that doesnt happen 😦 the judge closed the case on my sister and she found out today she will not be getting her son back even though he is in the hospital cause of his bio moms bad care 😦 There is no justice for children sorry to say. PLEASE keep my sister in your prayers. Than You so much and good luck to all of you and you will all be in my prayers as well as your children. God Bless
My foster son was placed with me at 21 months and was with me for almost a year. From the beginning he claimed me as his mommy. Everywhere he went he would point to me and tell people “There’s mommy!” with a big grin on his face. His bio-mom’s rights were terminated within the first 2 months; but his father was meeting all the requirements and doing well at 5 months. I was told that they were recommending dismissal and return to his father at the 6 month hearing. I had mixed feelings because, my foster son had a bond with his father as well. I prayed that God would continue to give his father the inner strength to overcome and that he would be reunited with his father; while at the same time I prayed that he would stay with me. I know this prayer made no sense, but I figured God was God and he could work things out somehow. I was shocked when the social worker said that the court decided that he would stay in fostercare for at least another 6 months. They were so sure he was going back. Well last month, he went to live with his father. They had promised that he would be given an extended transition plan; but instead he was only given 2 weekends and then transitioned permanently. I felt like a dagger went through my heart, because I hurt so much for my foster son, who had trusted me to be there for him. He had already lost his bio-mom and now he was crying “mommy, mommy!” reaching for me, as they walked him to the car. I could not believe that they thought that this was ok and how could they not give him a decent transition plan to prevent additional trauma for him. So, I met with the father and told him that I am still available to help his son with the transition. Well, the father wanted the son to have more time to transition too, so he let him stay with me 3 1/2 days and then go home 3 1/2 days a week. The father also said that I could see him as much as I wanted. Then a new social worker was assigned to the case and said that he couldn’t do that because he wasn’t providing for his son. So now he had to put him in daycare, and my foster son was heart broken and scared and clinging to me, the next time I saw him. They called another meeting, and we pushed back, so now my foster son stays with me 2 days a week (and stays out of daycare those days). Amazingly, in the end God did answer my crazy prayer and my foster son is reunited with his father who has overcome for a year now and he still stays with me too. Although it worked out, I was appalled at the county’s lack of planning, poor excuses, and not doing what was best for the child. I want to do something about the lack of transition planning for foster children; as well as the foster parents. The system is supposed to be there to protect these children, not add additional trauma. We also don’t need foster parents experiencing trauma from poor communication and poor transition plans that cause foster parents to walk out the door. Without foster parents, we have no foster care, only institutions and a huge cost to the taxpayers. If you are also interested in doing something about these poor planning and poor transition plans, feel free to email me.
Please give me, or post your email, because I am so ready to DO SOMETHING to protect our children! This week I wrote my Senators and REpresentatives a letter proposing a change in policy when it comes to determining the “BEST INTEREST” for our children. We lost our little girl on Feb 24th, and we have no contact and there was no transition period!! We have got to rally together and make our voice heard!
Tammy, tamale07@hotmail.com
I have no words for the grief I feel right now. So many injustices. We are losing our foster daughter in less than two weeks. I feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart – figuratively and literally. I cry all the time and I can’t sleep. Ugh.
Leaving another comment so that I can get notification of other comments via email.
Janet, I feel your pain, as I probably speak for all foster parents on this blog. I have been writing my representatives and senators because THERE NEEDS TO BE A CHANGE IN POLICY! I will not stop because the the legislators are public servants! It seems as though they are forgetting that fact.
It’s been over two months since I lost my baby girl. I don’t think the pain of this loss ever goes away, but I choose to believe that God is in control and protect her as well as lead me. I am on a mission to get change, or speak as an advocate for these children. The injustice is UNEXCEPTABLE! We cannot give up because it looks like there’s no hope in fighting the giant! We have to have the faith of David. With God, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!
I live in Louisiana, if you care to join forces, please email me at tamale07@hotmail.com.
With love.
Tammy
I am SO relieved to see this blog. I felt like I was alone in my grief. We had our precious little boy for almost 2 years. He had been removed from the bio parents twice before coming to us. His parents would not feed him and he was removed due to “failure to thrive.” He had not gained one ounce of weight from 6 months to one year of age. In fact, he had to be hospitalized due to his malnutrition and he couldn’t even raise his head at the age of 12 months. He is now 3 yrs and 8 months old. The father is active duty Navy and the Seabees have done every thing they can do to keep Nathan from going back to his bio parents. But their jurisdiction is limited. Nathan has just flourished and we love him so much. We were told at the beginning that DHS was seeking TPR. However, the bio mom created so many lies and was able to raise money through the press that she hired a local, very successful attorney. Since, DHS did not follow policy, they were in fear that they would be sued, so, Nathan has gone back. We are the only family he knows and my husband and I are just devastated. Not only did we lose him, we did not even get to say goodbye. His mother was allowed a 3 week unsupervised visitation out of state (with an open investigation pending). We were not told that he was leaving for 3 weeks. My husband went to pick him up from the Child Development Center and was told that his bio mom picked him up earlier in the day. We never saw him again. While she has been gone, a court hearing was scheduled and Nathan was given back to the parents.
We asked the judge to allow us one week with Nathan as we didnt get to talk to him and explain what was happening…she stated, “It’s just too much emotionality for the child.”
We still have 2 foster children, and I’m sure they will be reunified as we were told this from the beginning. But, after they are gone, we are shutting our doors. We are just so angry and distraught. The laws are not followed and we even tried to hire an attorney, but were told the judge has full jurisdiction in family court and has no one to answer to, thus, she can do whatever she wants to do. We have emailed CASA and even Dr. Phil. But, no one has responded. Actually, CASA tried to get involved, but were denied by the courts. We even have video footage from the Child Development Center showing nathan teaching another child how to make himself regurgitate. His mother is bulemic. What CAN WE DO TO SAVE OUR CHILDREN????
BTW, I even called the AG’s office…they said hire a private attorney, go figure.
We recently lost our teenage foster son whose permanency plan was that he remain in long-term foster care with us until he was 18. We did respite care for him for 2 years, then when he was diagnosed with disorganized attachment disorder we agreed to take him into our home. He lived with us for a little over two years. The first year he lived here was rough. We struggled through behavior issues, therapy with a therapist over an hour away so my husband had to take half a day off of work each session, remedial help with school work. His problems were caused by neglect, yet the bio family had more rights than us since it was a voluntary placement. When our foster son got in trouble for stealing at school, he turned on us. Our social worker made the situation worse by creating a contract saying he did not have to talk about the incident with us until he wanted to because talking was a trigger for him. She alienated him from us and made the situation worse. Several days later he stole our car and drove 20+ miles, at 13 years old, while we were meeting with his therapist. He was supposed to be supervised after school by the principal, who neglected to do so and let him ride the bus home after school. He says he doesn’t want to live with us anymore because we disrespected him and he will kill himself if he has to come back. We are not allowed to call or visit, only write letters. His family can visit every week, even though we suspect he has been smoking marijuana with this mom. He did so well at our home. He was off all medication, his grades were improving, he was “in remission” for his attachment disorder as of last December. We are heart-broken. I didn’t sleep more than 3-4 hours a night for 6 weeks. It has been 2 months and I still am grieving. We put so much time, energy, and love into this child and know him better than anyone else. Now we have been told out role as foster parents to him is over. I feel like we are expendable pawns in the game of foster care. They told us maybe next time you’ll put up boundaries to protect yourself and you won’t get hurt. How can you love a difficult child if you don’t give 100%? Obviously, it is not safe at this time to have him in our home, but why can we not be involved in his therapy or be able to visit him any more? We are his family now.
I just don’t understand why we are not part of the solution(foster parents). We have these children for years and then we are told basically, “you don’t count.”
I have written every representative, the governor, and senators, but only received one response.
I don’t know what the answer is….
I don’t understand either. The DHS workers here in Oklahoma rarely have the education to handle these cases, where the foster parents tend to be the ones going to the specialists and learning all about the needs to the child. Instead of treating the foster family as a partner for the child’s welfare, we are treated like the babysitter, no matter how long the child has been with us. The system needs to change, but how?
And who is going to pay? I think that is the other big piece, the state’s know the system is broken but no one has the time or financials to find a better way. I think if foster parents and the community could find a way that works, that is easier than the current system, and protects the child better, more states would signup and more foster families could protect the children they love while still reuniting the families that deserve it.
I live in Louisiana. I had a meeting with our State Senator this past Monday, and gave some of my suggestions as to what needs to be done. Since legislative session is over this year, we have the rest of the year to work together to come up with a solution that could possibly change policy or revise law to protect our children. Let’s not give up!! Please email me if you want to work on this project to get change.
Tammy
tamale07@hotmail.com
Hi Tammy,
I emailed you at the hotmail address about 2 weeks ago, but you must not have received it. I live in Mississippi and would love to work with you on this issue. I emailed all political parties in the state and only received a response back from Senator Thad Cochran’s office. Please let me know what I can do!
Tammy, my email address is bosworthvivian@gmail.com
We live in mississippi and would love to hear your suggestions in protecting our children.
I just found this article today and just wanted to thank you for it. We may be losing our little foster boy that we’ve had for over a year and told we would probably be able to adopt. This is our first trip through the system and we are devastated. This article just validated what we have been feeling. Thank you
I just found this post and it really validated how we have been feeling. We are about to lose our foster boy that we’ve had for over year and told we would probably adopt. This is our first time through the system and we are devastated. Thank you for this article
I came across this website just by chance but it was very distrubing and upsetting for me. I feel the Foster system is completely insane and condemn it completely. Who and what in their right minds would think of taking a child and continually moving them around would in anyway benefit their mental health and that of the foster family. I realize without the system these children would be at risk for a worse life if they did not have it but I cant help but to wonder…If the emotional pain is this bad, and I do believe everyword of your stories, then WHY do you continue to do it? The system is not designed for the “happily ever after” that most Foster parents hope for. I dont think DSS cares on cent for these children on a personal level. They are just a pawn that gets moved when the rules under their system say so. So all the heartfelt anguish and pain that you go through to “hope” is so self destructive and awful to see. I know you who read this will think I am must be a complete A-hole to say this. In complete honesty I am far from it. I could not do what you do for the same reason. I think I would lose it and lose myself in the process of having to let go of a child or baby that I had raised and loved. Right now I am grieving over the fact I have to return 5 kittens I have fostered to the animal shelter so they can be placed in permanent homes….kittens for godsake! I am distraught and upset over it so I cannot even begin to understand why you go through with this time and time again. If and this is a longshot….if every Foster parent banded together and said “I will not do this until changes are made: and the DSS had no where to turn, maybe just maybe changes would be made, but as long as you are willing to suffer and open your arms and take another and another in…they will just keep on keepin’ on in the same destructive process they have always used.
I am so sorry for your loss, but more sorry for the fu%38**ed system that has ensnared the children.
I am so glad I have found this page. I am finding it very very difficult to deal with this grief too. We have lost a boy who we had since 4 days old and after 6months he has gone back to his bio dad whom he doesn’t know and cries every time he goes to him. Social say he will adapt. This grief is a different kind of grief because there is no closure. No one understands. He was like my own. I was the one who woke up a zillion times a night to feed him and change his nappy and soothe him back to sleep. I was th one who stayed in hospital with him when he was unwell and I was the one who saw his first smile. So why don’t people understand when I say I’m grieving for him. I know he’s out there and I know where he lives and I know I can’t see him every again and that’s what’s hard to deal with. I’ve often wished that the bio dad messes up so that I can have him back. I’ve even hinted to the social worker in case that should happen. Nothing prepares you for this type of loss. It’s been two months and we have another placement. This little boy is 4 years old and I couldn’t deal with the loss again if we were to get younger babies. The attachment is far too great as they are constantly dependant on you. It’s not to say that I don’t love the 4 year old any less. I don’t think I will ever get over losing him. I hope we all find peace one day and look upon this a reward of our hard work.
You can get just as attached to older children, especially when you pour yourself into them and work really hard to help them get well. We are still grieving the loss of our 14 year old foster son who had attachment disorder. He made tremendous improvement with us, was off all medication, his grades were improving, he was supposed to live with us until he was 18. We did respite care for him for 2 years and he lived with us the next 2+ years. In March he got in trouble at school and he was trapped and couldn’t lie his way out of it. So instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he turned on us,stole our car and ran away. He said he wanted a new foster family. He ended up in juvenile detention, then a boys home, and now he is in a residential treatment facility for a year. We believe he had too much contact with his bio-family over the holidays. He totally manipulated his social worker. We have discontinued our license with the county, and have gotten licensed with Lutheran Social Services. It seems they are more concerned with helping these hurt children get well than protecting the rights of the bio-family. We had been writing to him every month, but have recently learned his family has forbidden him to get our letters. The county will not stand up to the family. We were told earlier by his therapist that the worst thing that could happen to him would be for us to abandon him. We love him like our own son. It has been 8 months and it is still painful to think about. We have said we would take him back when he is out of treatment, but if the county doesn’t do something about the family, we won’t. It was a voluntary placement. The hard part is letting go of all our hopes and dreams for him. In some ways, it would have been easier if he would have crashed the car and killed himself. At least there would be some closure. Now we fear a life of bad choices and jail time for him.
Thank you for this. We are close to losing our babies that we have had for 16 months. The pain we are feeling is overwhelming. How does one survive this pain? I’m in los Angeles. . I would like to connect to other parents who have been through this. No one really understands your pain and expects you to be okay. We went in with the sole intention to adopt our children and now they are being returned to bio mom who lives in temporary housing.
Being two years out I can say that it gets easier but that the loss is always there, especially at birthdays and Christmas. For me, I pray. I pray for his health and safety often. I also speak about him, for me that helps me more than anything. I stopped trying to pretend that he never existed. When I am with people and we are telling ‘kid stories’, I tell mine. I use the expierence with Aidan to encourage others. Also being part of this site helps. It reminds you you are not alone in this pain. I wish I could say the pain will go away, but it won’t, it will just get easier to breathe.
Your story is exactly the same as mine. I had two little ones, boy 3-1/2 and sister 7 months placed with me. They had a sibling who was 4-1/2 but had severe special needs so they placed him in a separate home. All the young mother had to do was find a place to live – that would have been paid for by the government under the HUD program. She never got a place to live, she got a temporary job which lasted just a few months, she never got her GED, or her driver’s license reinstated. However, she did manage to get herself pregnant again! Two weeks before the 15 month mark, DYFS decided to pay for her to take the kids into a mother/child shelter. She lied about being pregnant, even tho it was quite obvious. It absolutely killed me to lose my babies, who were now almost 5 and almost 2! My baby girl only knew me as her mother and she was attached to my hip the entire time she was with me. My little man did not want to go back because he felt safe with us. Its now been 4-1/2 months and I’m still praying they come back. Their caseworker was not confident that BM would be able to pull it off, esp with the son with severe special needs AND a new baby, so her final words to me were “Leave the back door open.” But I haven’t heard much since. BM, who just turned 25, has to be struggling. If she so much as wants to go anywhere she has to take them all on the bus. I pray for them every day and nite. I just don’t know how long is long enough to wait because I’m keeping their beds open…..
Wow, it’s taken all afternoon to read all your comments. I’m very sorry you have lost your kids, I think the system stinks & needs a good cleanout. I have 7 foster/grankids, have been doing this for 26yrs & have had about 150 kids. I live in Australia but the same things happen here too, you’d think the deept would learn by their mistakes but no, keeps happening over & over. The mothers bring the kids to me to carte for, not thru the dept. I do special needs. All my kids are FAS, ADHD & ODD, except #6&7. #6 has cerebral palsy & #7 is baby to #1 but she still lives here & cares for him sometimes, but is only 16. I do enjoy this ‘work’ & love the kids dearly but getting tired & need a holiday. I’ve been thru all that you’ve talked about & know exactly where you’re coming from. I don’t know the solution for opur grief except time & Jesus love. I wonder what would happen if you all refused to take the kids until some changes were made to the system? Older & more experienced case workers would help, me thinks. We need to keep in touch & support each other. BIG HUGS to everyone of you.
I had the thought that all social workers working in the foster system should be required to be a foster parent themselves for a certain amount of time before being qualified to actually work in the foster system. They might have a better sense of what it is like for the foster parents and may view things differently as they deal with both foster families and bio families.
Sue, I always thought the same thing! It makes no sense for people who have never raised a child, or a young girl who is years from even being a mother, make the decisions regarding a child’s life. Time and time again, I feel they fail in their duty to protect the child.
Susan
That way the social workers would experience what it’s like providing for all a childs needs but from the heart not just the head
I am amazed at this website. So many very sad people who have tried to help so many children. It’s hard to read their stories ans feel their pain. It’s time the system accepts the fact that foster careers love, hope, and grieve for these kids. I have been fostering for many years, 20 plus. My children are still with me but have had any close calls. The system just doesn’t seem to care enough about the well being of the children, and certainly not the foster careers. I am saddened that so many lives are turned upside down by the system. It doesn’t matter what country we live in the problems re the same. Everyone needs to remember that grief is real and each one of us deals with it in their own way. take of your loved ones and essentially yourselves.
I am not an actual foster parent. I was a school secretary that took in a child after seeing him removed from a drug house and none of the other siblings family members wanted him because he was so out of control. He was best described as a caged animal turned loose. He was 5 and didn’t even know he had to wear clothes so you can only imagine what we went through. I had him through the kinship part of our local children services agency. We had him 1 year and 8 months and then all hell broke loose. My 25 year old daughter that still lives at home had a previous miscarriage, got drunk and came at me with a knife. I called the police and had her arrested thinking she would get help. Well she went to rehab and of course our little guy was removed because of the incident. He has been placed in a foster home with his sister now, which by the way, didn’t want him in the beginning because he was so out of control. We have only talked to him for a few minutes on the phone as he cries for us. I guess they say he’s doing ok but he has bonded not only to me but to my daughter as a mother figure. It looks like his mother will never get the kids back. Even though an awful situation occurred to result in his removed the grief is no less. We are not allowed visitation because we aren’t blood relatives though that didn’t seem to matter when he was placed with us. I will never do anything like this again because I can’t stop crying. It’s been almost 6 weeks and it’s not getting better. I feel for you foster parents that truly care about the kids and not just after a check. I did hire an attorney to go after visitation as me, as his caregiver, did not commit the crime even though it happened in my house. Hopefully, this was rock bottom for my daughter as she is totally distraught too and is in a rehab program. Hopefully, we can get visitation even if it’s at the agency just to know he’s ok. The current foster parent now wants to adopt his sister and him but she’ll never have the bond we have with him. I know it’s a total uphill battle, but I’m going after my little guy. They should have placed these children together in the beginning if this is what they wanted. I just hope he knows we still love him and doesn’t feel abandoned by us. The only comfort I have is one day he will know how hard we fought for him when no one else would.
I know how you feel! It’s been almost a year since our foster son left because he stole our car (at 13 years old), went to juvie, and now is in a residential treatment center. We wrote to him for 6 months and then were told he was not allowed to receive our letters anymore because his grandpa wouldn’t allow it. I am still on an anti-depressant and I still pray for him every day. I don’t think the pain will ever go away entirely. Like you, I am hoping some day he will realize how much we love him and how much we tried to help him. I pray that he won’t make some stupid mistake that will land him in prison for the rest of his life. I know he won’t get better going back to the family when he gets out of treatment. My fear is he will return to the family, get in trouble again, and get put back in foster care, but by then it will be too late to really help him.
I have been on this comments page for a couple of years now and I will say it gets better. Two things have helped me: One thing is to have a Facebook account. My foster son’s bio-mom allowed me to be friends on Facebook so I can see updated pictures and see how he is doing at school. My parents were foster parents and some of my foster siblings have reached out to my parents now that they are adults. I encourage you to have an account if only to have a means for your child finding you if they ever decide to. A couple of my parents foster kids they haven’t seen in 30+ years so it might take a long time, just be willing to be open in case they want to find you.
The Second Thing is to talk about it. For years I haven’t healed because I wasn’t willing to say “My son” out in public; for some reason I let other people dictate what he was to me. He is my son and always will be. Once i started talking about him in conversation, it got easier. He wasn’t this part of me that had to be hidden away. When a mom is potty training a boy for the first time, I give my advice. If she wonders outloud since I don’t have a child in the home, I simply say I fostered for years and I remember potty training Aidan. If they ask more, I tell more. I am no longer allowing the people in my community who thought I shouldn’t think of him as my son control my speech about him.
Thank you so much for sharing what you said. I have struggled with what I say about my kids because people seem to think that if they aren’t bio then they aren’t yours. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have pottitrained a child. I have dealt with a teenage girl interested in the wrong boy. I’ve had nearly twenty kids and to many I’ve been the only real mom that they have known. When my fifteen year old talks to bio mom it is a case of she is being the parent checking to see if mom is on track. I’ve got the second set of kids in my home right now that I can’t imagine my life without. I know it’s going to be hard to let go but I also know that we all would lose out if I don’t fully open my heart to them. And I tell them all that once you are my child you are always my child no matter where you go or what you do.
thank you. is all i can say right now.
I just lost my son on Friday, I raised him since he was 4 months old and I was his third home at the time. I was told that they were moving toward PC and then after almost a year and a half, the agency moved him out of state to a biological great grandparent, All against the guardian’s wishes, against the psychologist that stated he would suffer severe issues if moved and against the ombudsman. And against my little boy’s wishes who would say “stay with mommy”.
When I asked the director of Children’s Services how they determine “best interest” his only reply was biological family. I am at a loss. I just keep feeling my little boy crying for me. I am the only mommy he knows… my family is the only family he knows. Not many people understand. My co-workers simply ignore the fact that this has happened. No one understands that I am grieving for the loss of my son. I may never see him again and I don’t know how he is or how he is being treated. I don’t know if he is hurt, sick or sad. I don’t know if they are reading to him every night or giving him “cuddles” like he asked for before bedtime. I don’t know how to cope with this loss. I am a single-parent with no kids of my own. My house is empty and so quiet. I will never foster again, but I will change this system even if I have to work on it for the next 50 years.
I so understand. It is so hard to give up the children you love! It might not help much, but you are not alone!
Hi Katie. Just wondering how you are doing?
Katie, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I completely understand your pain as I have been through it myself. I wish I had words that would make you feel better, but after experiencing the pain, I really don’t think anyone can help and only time will distance you from the grief. When I went through the hardest part of losing my son, the only words told me that gave me any kind of temporary comfort were the following: “He isn’t your child…he’s God’s.” You are grieving over what isn’t yours.”
Now, that really hit me hard as I am a Christian and believe that God has a plan for all of us. One thing did help me…I would go for a run in the evenings. I would play inspirational music and cry and many times I would just find a secluded place and SCREAM. I mean, really really scream. If my neighbors thought I was insane, they never said anything. It’s been a year and we still think of Nathan every day. He is in our family prayers and I will always feel like I lost a child.
God Bless you and I wish you much comfort
I too lost my foster daughter. She came to us when she had just turned three. She could not walk, talk and was a very out of control child. Her parents had criminally abused her and her brother at one point almost killing the boy. He went to a medical foster home, she came to us, a mental health therapeutic home. Even 2 years after being with us, the system failed and allowed overnight visits with parents at which time she was sexually abused. She was removed from our home, we were treated as criminals and underwent a lengthy investigation including lie detectors and being treated as if we were guilty of the crime. The bio parents refused to cooperate. Luckily she was returned after 45 days of no contact with and had suffered total regression. Of course we were found innocent and the father finally plead to the abuse charges 3 months later. At that point we were wanting to adopt her and continue watching her flourish. We were Mommy and Daddy for 1 more year. Lo and behold, the parental rights were terminated and we thought, hooray, she will have a forever home with us…but we were wrong. The state had to notify relatives of an impending adoption. Relatives that were not around or who never inquired about her welfare for more than 3 years. Also had not been around to help when the abuse had happened, never knowing the children. Now I had watched her become a beautiful loving, smart girl. She had become our daughter. Her grandmother was granted custody and started the adoption process. At that point we were not even given the chance to adopt, no matter how many attorneys and judges we talked too. The studies apparently show that children do best when with blood relatives and not with non blood parents and those were the guidelines that the Department of Human Resources in Oregon followed. To go a step further, they thought we were too attached and it would be difficult on her, so they placed her in temporary foster placement out of our home until her and her brother could be flown to another state to meet the grandmother she never knew. We were willing to take both of the children, raise them as our own. It has been a year and I am still crippled at times about our loss. The therapist who recommended that it was in her best interest to stay with us also made a recommendation that some contact be kept so that her attachment issues would not haunt her. The grandmother agreed until she got them and then responded to one of my many messages that our little girl was struggling so much and so confused that contact was not in her best interest. She said that she thought we were her Mommy and Daddy and that she needed to understand that she already had a mommy and Daddy, her bio parents who had recently moved back to the state where the kids are at now and will be part of their lives now while grandma raised them. I am hurt, angry, and sometimes so sad that I have to pull off the side of the road and cry. She IS my daughter. I will never watch her grow up. I will never know if we really made a difference. I will never know if she thinks we stopped wanting her or loving her. That’s what hurts the most. We still do foster care, and I will not stop loving my children because of this, but I tell you, the system sucks. It is painful, not only for us as foster parents, but for the children who are in this mess because first the parents failed them, now the state does as well. I hate that my baby girl, who we had from the age of 3-6 is gone. Sometimes I wish the memories of us would disappear from her mind so she doesn’t have to miss us. I miss her so much……………..I will never forget OUR daughter…
I will lose a little girl I have had over two years. She is three and I was told that she will eventually bond with her mother and forget about us. I hope she does because as we are transitioning right now she does not want to go. She begs and cries to stay with me. I do not want her to think I abandoned her. I am her mommy and I love her so much. People tell me you knew that this might happen so you should not get upset. We have spent money on lawyers but DFACS is determined to put her back .the mom wants her for revenge and a paycheck. Just because she is not blood does not mean I am not able to love her. They say her mom can provide minimal care, a roof over her head and some food. I can provide love and nurturing. Why do they not look at the bond between us. They look at the physical the mom can care for but the heck with the emotional. This is why we have children dying or critically hurt when they go back. This just enforces the cycle of when they have their kids DFACS will be involved. The emotional well being is very important. This is one reason we have so many juvenile delinquents. Please pray for me and my family and this sweet precious little girl who stole our hearts and now it is in shreds.
Cherie- I know this post is from quite some time ago, but this is so similar to us. First time foster parents here- loosing our little boy to family that came out of no where. It will kill me for him to forget us – because he made our family whole, he will always be our first kiddo. But I hope that he can learn to bond with this family he is just meeting so he can be happy and not think we just left him and are never coming back. Although transitioning is best if the court rules to move the child 😦 it is devastating and heartbreaking. I am feeling your pain now… How did you make it Through? Do you hear anything about your little one?
Susan 1/10/13
It’s appalling how as foster carers we would feel the need to google ‘how to grieve when a foster baby leaves.’ I have been reduced to doing the same thing. This was our first foster child. The baby girl we fostered at 2 days old, left 3 weeks ago at 10 &1/ 2 mths old. The upset I feel is almost unbearable & I can’t speak without crying so I just don’t speak. I can feel myself slipping further into an unhealthy place of withdrawal but can’t do anything to stop it.
For all the adverts that make life as a foster carer seem so wonderful & rewarding, there is obviously a massive need for something to be available to help us when the wonderful, rewarding aspect abrubtly comes to an end . We have all come on here for help on how to deal with the loss we feel which speaks volumes as to why our borough need 9,000 more foster carers. I think that without better advice & support for us,, there will be a danger that more foster carers will not be strong enough to carry on.
If for no other reason this site is helpful in that it shows us that we are not alone. I am fostering only because I want to adopt a baby and DCF said this is the way to go. In the past 2-1/2 years of fostering, I’ve had 20 little ones come and go – One for as short as two days… Two I had for 15 months. I have not wanted to adopt all of the children that came, even tho I would have had it come to that. Meaning, I didn’t fall hopelessly in love with all of them. I can say there have been 7, maybe 8, that I would do anything to be able to adopt, and miss on a daily basis. I currently have a baby boy, 9 months old today! I got him when he was 5 weeks old. Mom is a teen, hasn’t been following the plan or visitations and doesn’t know who the father is. We did two paternity tests already and both were not. She has stopped giving names. It looks favorable for me at this time but we still have six months or so to go before TPR could be sought. In that time, any distant family member could come forth and be willing to take him. It kills me on a daily basis wondering and worrying but I know there is nothing I can do to make things any different. I just have to wait it out and pray.
I am always thankful for this site. When I first lost my son, I needed the stories and support of how to grieve. Now that I am three years out, I am glad to respond to others and let them know their grief is real, it doesn’t go away, but it does get easier. I am fortunate that a couple of months ago my son’s mom found me on Facebook and we became FB friends. I may still think he would be better with me but I can also see for myself how he is doing. I am blessed to have this option but I am glad I had 3 yrs in between to let some of my wounds heal.
I just realized I commented here back in October. Since then I lost my baby boy last month and now have three babies to take care of. October I quote I had 20 kids. Today I can tell you, I’ve now had 31. Its a revolving door…. But I miss my baby boy every minute of the day.
Thankful I found this. I know a lot of these comments are old, but I thought it might help me to write out my thoughts. We have a little girl who we have had since birth. She is now 2.5 years old. Things are extremely complicated right now and her future is very uncertain. Her biological father decided to show back up in her life just last week (he has NEVER even met her) so things can take a major turn if he decides he wants to work a service plan. I feel as though she is dying. I don’t know how I will move on if she goes. How will I comfort our biological children? I don’t know if I can handle their pain along with mine. Thankfully we know Christ, but it is still extremely painful.
I cannot believe I found this site. I did not think there was anyone in the same circumstance as I am. I miss the child so much I feel crazy and it is not helping me move on with my life. I never thought I could get so attached to a child. There were some difficulties with her family situation when she was with me that were sort of scary and for some reason that resulted in feelings of more intensity for the child than I have felt before. The child is in a wonderful home now but I still am greving her loss.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Insomnia has its grip on me right now, and I’m so thankful everyone in my house is soundly asleep as I sob huge tears reading this post.
Thank you.
Thank you for showing me that I’m not alone. That I’m not losing it. That this grief is okay!
We are saying goodbye to two foster kiddos, most likely next week.
I have been a mess.
A well meaning friend came by to tell me that I knew from the beginning that these kids weren’t mine………
Yes. I was fully aware of that. Thanks for the reminder.
I was made to feel like I shouldn’t even grieve.
I don’t think I’m cut out for this foster stuff. We had prayed and hoped desperately that these two would be forever ours. I trust in the One who is in control, and know He makes no mistakes………
But I ache.
This is one of the reasons why we adopted from another country ( have 3 bio, and one precious peanut from China!) we KNEW no one could snatch her away from us.
Ugh. I’m rambling.
Again, thank you so much for this (old!) post.
I’m not alone.
I just lost my beautiful foster baby girl to reunification. I am in so much pain. Can someone please email me who has been through this. I’m in Los Angeles. debbster2@sbcglobal.net
It has been almost 2 years since our teenage foster son stole our car and ran away. I still think about it and the hurt is still there, but I can say that it does get better after a couple years.
We relicensed with LSS–no way would we work directly with the county again. LSS has much better training and far more support for the foster parents. They have in home therapists who work with both the child and the family and who are available 24/7, not just during the day and weekdays (when school age kids are in school, not home). There is a night and day difference.
We also hosted two exchange students this year and that has helped by giving us healthy kids to focus on while we heal. I know you feel like your child has died and there is no funeral. People just don’t understand. My husband has cancer right now and I can honestly say this is easy compared to losing a foster child. And we have so much more support for the cancer.
You will survive this, though it is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever go through. It has taken about 2 years for me. I also had to see a psychiatrist and get anti-depressants and sleeping pills to help me cope. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.
We have had to foster babies in our home for 2 years ,they are leaving in two days ,Little girl is 3 and little brother is 2,we are so upset that we cant even talk about it..We love those kids so much ,why does this have to hurt so bad .We think we are doing a good thing but the hurt is unbeleiveable.I have there bedroom doors closed when they are not here I cant even look in there room.How are foster parents suppose to deal with this loss like this ,why is there not a support group to talk to,i was told to talk to other foster parents ..I don’t know if I will ever foster again..BROKEN HEARTED.
Oh Cindy, I am very sorry you are going thru this. I know your pain all too well. I lost my foster son who I got at 5 weeks old and he was 14 months when they returned him to his teenage mother just last month. He is the third little one I raised from an infant long term and lost. The hurt never goes away. Wish I could tell you otherwise. In my situation, the day after they take my babies, they are calling me to give me a new one. He left mid-February and the very next day I got a call to take a 1 year old girl and her 3 year old brother. They are still here but supposed to go home to Dad soon. Last week I got a 1 year old baby boy, so with two 1-year olds and a 3 year old, plus my 12, 13 & 15 year old kids, I haven’t even had time to mourn the loss of my baby boy. The only things I can suggest are, to see if you could establish a friendly relationship with the BM and see if you could somehow be a support for her. A lot of times these Moms lose custody because they have no family to help them. Or, you could check and see if they have a public Facebook account. A year and a half ago, I lost two little ones that I had for 15 months and it broke my heart but their BM has a public FB so I check from time to time to see pics of them. I still miss them like crazy but when I see they are smiling, it makes me feel better. There’s not much else I can offer. Just pray that wherever they are that they are taken care of and safe. We foster parents are really left with nothing when our kids leave and I think it is a huge problem in the System that we are given so little in the way of emotional support. I’m praying you will find the strength and inner peace to continue fostering. There are so many children who need someone to love them.
Sue, What is LSS?
Gigi, LSS is Lutheran Social Services.
Dear Cindy: I am so sorry for your pain. It feels like a knife through the heart. It really helps to receive support from the other foster parents on this site. A few have emailed me and shared their story. I have scoured the internet and this is the only site that offers this type of support for grieving foster parents. To the owner of this site, thank you!!! Please let’s share and vent and cry and support one another.
Please email if you need to talk. I am here for you and anyone else who needs support. I am grieving and broken hearted also, and I know how it feels. debbster2@sbcglobal.net
my heart is breaking for my 2 and a half year old who was currently reunified with her birth mom after being in my home since she was 4 months. sad thing is, i don’t feel the county did all they could do in the reunification process. she barely showed up to her visits, and when she did, she cut them short alllll the time. then she did have overnight visits but never kept her overnight. the social worker also had problems with the birth mom because she was very young and didnt like being told anything. when my baby went back in february, she wasnt even there a month good, the mother had another child which tested positive for drugs. they detained that baby and the social worker called to say that the kids would be returning back to our home. WRONG!! The birth mom hated how close i was with her daughter and decided to name a close friend who now has them. now i cant even see her, hear her voice, or know how she is doing. The last convo i had with by child over the phone is when the birth mom allowed me to speak with her and her words were “mommy where are you, i been crying for you”. i miss her so much and with every fiber of my being, this literally feels like death. to know that one day she will forget me kills me to the core. she was my everything. and when i call the social worker, she doesnt really seem to care. she has moved on to other cases. all she says is that my child is ok. i say my child because i Never saw her as a foster kid. her mother missed so many court dates ,i swear, i never saw this coming. walking around with a broken heart, while keeping a mask on is tiring. please pray for my family, we are al taking this pretty hard
I totally know where you are coming from! What ever happened to doing what is in the best interest of the child? It’s hard not to hate the social workers, isn’t it? I still think all social workers should be required to be a foster parent before they are allowed to work with these dysfunctional parents. I know it feels like your child has died, there is no funeral, and no one understands. “It was just a foster child. What did you expect? Get over it.” I heard that from a good friend of mine. Or else you hear “That’s why I could never be a foster parent.” My foster child’s guardian ad litem said, “Next time you will put up more boundaries so it won’t be so hard to say good-bye.” This was after we were told to treat him like our own child, not a foster child. We did what we were told, and the system let us down.
My husband has cancer right now, and I have to say the cancer is easier to deal with than losing a foster child whom you love with all your heart. There is way more support for us in dealing with the cancer than dealing with the loss of a foster child. Unless you go through it, I don’t think you can begin to understand the pain.
Through it all, I believe God is in control and has a bigger plan that we don’t understand. You have to hang on to the fact that you did everything you could and remember that God loves that child more than you do. I heard somewhere recently, when God shuts a door don’t keep hanging on the doorknob. That was for me! I know it’s hard and the pain is real! It’s been two years for me, and it still hurts. But it does get easier. Use this time to draw closer to the Lord and learn to trust Him. Maybe that is why my husband’s cancer hasn’t been as hard to deal with, because we are stronger now than we were two years ago.
Lord, be with grieving mommy as she struggles with the pain of losing her daughter. We don’t understand your ways, but we know you have everything under control. Keep her from hating, keep her heart open, give her friends to support her and comfort her. Oh Lord, this is so painful. You are the great Comforter. Wrap your arms around her and give her your peace. Heal her breaking heart. You can make all things good in your perfect time. We can’t see what good could possibly come from this. Help us trust you in all things. In Jesus name. Amen
I have been “fostering” my baby girl since birth. She is now 2.5 years. She is my daughter and my other children’s sister. Her bio dad did not want her in the beginning since she had several medical issues. Why the state didn’t have him sign relinquishing papers then, I do not know. Now she is stable and thriving so her dad wants her. The judge determined it would be in my baby’s best interest to stay in my home. He said she would be traumatized to leave my home, then he said the laws dictate she must be sent to live with her bio dad.
My kids are devastated. The other component making this difficult is I was fostering another baby girl from birth. These two girls are 28 days apart. The other baby girl I did get to adopt on her one year birthday. My two girls are like twins. They hate to be separated. If one gets a drink, she will ask for a drink for her “twin”. If one goes to grab her blankies, she makes sure to grab her “twins” blankie. They are both 2.5 years and don’t understand what is going to happen in two days. Oh how I feel like I will never recover from this. My body feels like dead weight and its draining to move. She is my baby. The home she is going to won’t take care of her the way we did. Two and a half years! How does this happen? Why drag it out so long? God help me.
The caseworker did NOT support returning to bio dad. The GAL did NOT support returning to bio dad. They both cried at the decision of the judge. The laws must change!
I see all these folks that my heart goes out to. I too have a little girl that I have had since she was a week old, we went to the hospital and brought her home from there only weighing 4 lbs, she was a drug baby was born with 4 different drugs in her system, came home with the name Baby Girl because at that moment we thought she was not named. we was taught how to give her meth. and with the Lords help we was able to slowly bring her off meth. you couldn’t lay her down and my husband and I took times about sitting in a church holding her next to our chest so she could sleep, after about 3 months and many many prayer lines she a able to lay and sleep thru the night…she has a eye problem due to the drugs and she didn’t walk until she was almost 2. she still has tremors but this is the most precious little girl i have every meet. now at 2 1/2 years they have given the baby to Dad…no doubt in my mind he dont love her i see it in his eyes…but courts need to put the parents feelings to the side and look at the little ones who didn’t ask to be put in this condition whats best for them…this little girl has a big family with us happy she goes to church, praises God, and when we are coming up our hill to our house she will start saying home home home, i cant get out of her sight neither can my husband, we are known to her as Daddy and Mommy, and our little boy is bubby, she will be moving with her Dad who is a single father and no other kids…my heart is so broke she will be going home in about a month, and Dad is moving to Va. seems like i am waiting for her to die….it’s so hard all i can say is I AM BROKE….
Reblogged this on beautifullybrokenbyhim and commented:
When you love someone so completely and so unselfishly as to say “I know you may leave, but I am going to give you all that I have anyway”, when they leave, part of your heart is torn out and leaves with them and the jagged, bleeding, wound is left to be healed.
We are from Australia and we picked up a beautiful little baby boy from the hospital when he was 7 weeks old.
After months of bullying, lies and intimidation from Child Protection Services, he is no longer with us and they are fighting in court to have him placed with his biological father. The problem is… The father has just pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography and they know it! In fact, they gave him advice on how to get a reduced sentence.
We are so devastated to lose this little boy. He was happy, safe and healthy and in fact, we were supporting him being eventually returned to his biological mother, as she had made great steps in sorting her life out.
We cry everyday and we live in a nightmare that we cannot wake up from.
The immoral, crazy and downright evil government departments that make these decisions are worldwide.
This has been amazing to read! It is nice to know we are not alone in this pain! we got our little one straight from the hospital and sadly he will be leaving Monday. we’ve had him nearly 9mths. he is going to relatives that are strangers- I feel so worried for him. I know God will protect him, but I cant help it. I’d like to take action against this. Anyone in West Virginia? I’ve already found names and contact info for all state government officials and have family and friends ready to send letters.
I am going through a similar situation. My husband and I agreed to foster a 5 day old little girl, after being told there was a good possibility she’d go to permanent custody, because her sibling were being raised by an aunt. We have had her for 4 1/2 months. Not as long as most of you, but she still recognizes us as her parents. We love her. She is a part of us. She hadn’t been taken yet, but we were told that a cousin is expressing interest, so she will be investigated. I have been crying over the thought of her leaving. I am so afraid….
I would love to encourage you to develop a relationship with this cousin (if that’s possible). In our adoption journey of our son, a great Aunt had stepped forward to be considered a placement for him. She is a wonderful woman and was just trying to make sure that her great nephew was loved and well cared for. Long story short, we got to know her and her family and we have a wonderful relationship with them today. Their daughter, our son’s 2nd cousin, has baby sat for us many times. When we adopted our son, we gained a whole family. Open adoption has been our greatest blessing.
That said, I realize that not every situation can be like ours and there may be issues that prohibit an open relationship. I will be praying for you for wisdom and peace. Love that baby girl as much as you can for as long as you can. Both you and she will be better for it, even if it hurts.
Today is our little Mikeys first birthday. We started fostering him when we wa only 5 weeks old. Filthy, wet and starving we were so excited to show this little guy what love was. Here it is New Years eve.. Thanksgiving has passed Christmas too and the hardest part will be in February that will be a year we have had him and when he will be going back with his biological parents. This isn’t the first foster child we have lost but the hurt never gets any less. I pray for all you going through this and the ones that will in the future. God has a plan we just have to open our hearts and listen.
Today’s your first birthday Mikey 🙂 and even though you won’t remember us we will forever remember you and the joy you brought our family for this short time.
God bless you all.
4 years 3 months…… That is how long my girls have been with us. Placed at newborn and 18 months old. No visitation until this past year due to federal incarceration. They have been raised in our home with our family I am momma. 3-4 weeks is all the time we have left with us……….. I am expected to love these children as my own for over 4 years and then all of sudden just be ok when they leave. On top of that, let’s throw in a caseworker and supervisor that do not show one ounce of empathy toward our family. We are nothing more than a babysitter and a nuisance if we should speak up. To say I am sad is an understatement. I am devastated and quite honestly, don’t know what to do.
I am so sorry. Too often, our justice system, in the interest of trying to make sure that birth parents’ rights are honored (and they should be), forgets or ignores that it is the RELATIONSHIP and not biology that should be protected. In many foster care and pre-adoption cases, the parent-child relationship has been formed between people who do not share biology and it is that relationship that should be protected.
These next few weeks are going to be so hard for you. Someday, I will tell our story of our second foster child whom we had fostered for 18 months and then had only 8 days to say good bye. It was the hardest and worst 8 days of our lives. This is so hard and so wrong. I will be praying for you and your family.
My daughter and her husband will be losing their foster baby in 4 weeks. She will be 16 moths when they take her. The baby started 4 days and over nights with parents. My daughter had baby since she was 2 weeks old. They love her so much and they don’t want to let her go. Since she’s had over nights she’s been hitting herself in the head. She screams and cries when children’s services takes her away. This is so heartbreaking for our whole family. Parents don’t have to work, get free food, 90% of rent and utilities are paid. They don’t own a car or have drivers licenses. If baby gets sick children’s services will have to take them. They both did heroin, meth, opiates, mariyuana while she was pregnant. She lost her first baby because she did drugs. Why do they de serve this baby? They are not being taught to work for a living. The caseworker said they can stay on welfare the rest of their lives. We want the best for our little Angel. The baby will live the same poor life. This is horrible!
Thank you for this blog and all the comments. It really helps to not feel so alone and what we go through as foster parents. We have been foster parents for three years for short-term/emergently/respite however nine months ago he agreed to take a straight foster baby. Although he quickly made his way into our hearts and we put everything into his care and well-being we knew what the plan was. But three months ago the plan was changed and the word adoption was brought up to us. With no other prospects we were led to believe that it was only a matter of time and so our minds and hearts began to dream of the future with our little boy in our lives. Unexpectedly at our second permanency hearing last week distant family that he has never met, came out of the woodwork and the judge granted them custody. We were obviously heartbroken but even more we are scared for him. For the first time in his life he has had attachments and made so much progress from where he when he was placed with us. For my profession I am a pediatric physical therapist and work with birth to three population so my fear of the lasting impact on development for loss of attachments at such an early age is terrifying. How do these children get lost in the system regarding what is best for them? It is heartbreaking. How do I explain to a two-year-old why mommy and daddy are leaving him somewhere he doesn’t know? For repeat foster parents how do you do this again? No matter what the future holds for us he will always be our first child. We just pray that the foundation he has built with us will be enough to get him through…
My heart is forever broken. Last week I had to kiss my two boys goodbye to live with their mother after being in my home for almost three years. They came to me with a laundry list of medical issues. I had one since birth and the other since he was 10 months old. I am their mommy. They are attached to my husband and me, but in the end, it did not matter. It did not matter that the parents were in and out of jail, dropped out of rehab, failed drug tests, failed psychological evaluations, failed bonding assessments, missed almost all medical appointments, and had to be walked out by security at a hospital after one of the boys had surgery. It didn’t matter that the parents had already lost rights to four other children previously. It didn’t matter. All that mattered in the end was a roof over their heads, food, no fecal matter on the floor, and a passed drug test. I was told three times that it was not about my boys’ best interests; it was about the parents meeting minimum standards. I was told if it was in the boys’ best interests, they would stay with me. To top it all off, the day the judge granted the rights back to the parents, they elected to wait one more day because it was not convenient for them to get them, although they knew for one month they would be going back. Every time I tell myself they will be okay, I get another call that reminds me how the system failed, such as calls from pediatric specialists and DDD for missed appointments. The pain is unbearable. Thank you for understanding how flawed the system is.
My first placement of children in my home. A new single mom to two amazing twin boys 8 months old (so excited!), 6 weeks later a day before they are 10 months old – they are placed with family (so sad.) I got 48 hours notice that it was a possibility but it wasn’t a sure thing so I was holding out hope. They are in my heart, we bonded deeply and they grew into themselves as we went along our journey but now I am grieving. I didn’t want them to leave despite knowing my role as their foster mom. And I don’t understand how the “system” places the children with family without any visits or allowing the boys to meet the family first and adjust. It would seem to be a more traumatizing for them this way. I just hope they are ok and not as sad as I feel right now.
I wonder if it gets easier because they were my first but I imagine grief is grief – no matter how long the children are in my home or how many children have been here…
I was trying to find some sort of comfort. Something. And this helps beyond words. Someone understands. The transitioning process starts for my son next week, and I’m heartbroken. No one else seemed to understand what I am going through right now. I’m so glad this was still up for me to find.
I was a first time foster mom of a 18 month old and a 3 yr old little girls. We were told all was looking great going toward severing rights of the mother. All of a sudden we got an email stating that they were going to be reunified with the mom who is facing jail time for a 1st degree felony. Within a few hours the girls we love, and always will, were gone. I typed in “how to heal a broken heart of loosing foster children” and this came up….knowing others are as heartbroken as I and praying for one another as well helps even though we know it is a long process and there will always be love bumps on my heart for those girls. I feel guilty for hoping for mom to mess up so that they can come back. I pray for myself to not have those feelings and try to “move on” as ppl have told me….they just don’t get it. Reading all of these truly give some comfort to me beyond words. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for sharing during your times of grief.
oh my gosh, I am so thankful for this post!!! I could just hug you right now! People DON’T get it! I am a first time Foster mom of 2 little boys. They haven’t left yet, but everyone is saying it’s going to be within a couple weeks. I haven’t heard from the Ministry, so don’t have confirmation. But it just feels like my heart is being torn out.
I don’t have my own children, Had to have a hysterectomy many years ago. I NEVER thought I would be able to have kids, just the whole Fostering thing and having to give them away seemed evil and torturous to me.
These kids kinda dropped in my lap, it was a God thing and I’m so happy they did. We wanted to adopt them but don’t have room for the other 3 siblings we would have to adopt, plus we arent; family and the Ministry might have found an aunt who will take them. We were told at the beginning that we were a real possibility. Then that Resource worker stepped down and someone else stepped in, determined to keep all 5 together.
Anyways, I am so thankful for you all and your journeys, so good to know someone gets it. Big hugs to you all!!!
Thank you for this post. I am grieving the loss of my foster baby daughter of 14 months. We had her since she was 6 weeks old. It’s my first experience fostering to adopt. And I had no idea how much I love her until now. She was calling me Mama already and my husband Dada. She bonded so strongly with our son, too. Every bond individually so special. I am at a loss for words really. I don’t know if I will ever see her agsin, and it’s truly heart wrenching. How do I go on?
I’m so glad I found this blog. It has really put into words exactly how I feel. I had a baby with drug exposure placed in my home at a few days old. She had a really rough start, but was thriving in our home. She was ahead on all her milestones, and I loved her like no other. The parents never showed up to one court date. Not one. Visitation was scheduled and they didn’t show up to those. We had another court date last week, and I assumed it would be the same. What happened shocked me. Apparently an aunt resurfaced. The same aunt who when she was born “couldn’t take care of a baby”. They ordered the baby to the aunt, and I had an HOUR notice to have her back. My life was turned upside down. She went to total strangers. None of these people even visited the whole week she was in the hospital after she was born. We actually had to hand the baby over to “mom” who was there to pick her up too. This is the same mom that nearly killed her at birth (decided she didn’t need prenatal care, had her in her home, and tried to breastfeed while drugs were still in her system). She literally just got out of jail a few days prior for drugs (along with “dad”) when the court ruled the baby home. UNBELIEVABLE. The whole family are on drugs (literally a generational thing), so I’m not sure who in their right mind thinks this is a stable environment for a baby. It’s absolutely sickening. These courts are getting it absolutely wrong, and at the child’s expense. This was a worse experience for me than being told I was infertile. Seriously. I’m trying to pick up the pieces, but it’s a tough deal all around. I’m still deciding if I can do it again or not.
You have described our experience perfectly.
I just wish we could all come together and make some changes.
[…] the loss of a Foster child? Do you feel misunderstood about it? You are NOT alone!!! Here’s another link to a great post about mourning the loss of a Foster child. There are lots of more recent comments on that post that […]