First, let me say that this is strictly from a foster parent’s point of view, however, for those who have experienced this type of loss, for others who have experienced the loss of a child through different means and for those on the outside of this situation, I think that sharing in this journey can benefit everyone.
Next, let me say that we have not lost our foster son. I know it may seem a bit premature, then, to be writing about loss, but I think that once you continue to read, you will understand a bit more.
Let’s take an imaginary journey. It is an analogy to help those who have not experienced this loss to be able to identify with those who have. It is a representation of feelings, not an actual situation, but very similar to situations in which foster parents find themselves every day.
Imagine that you have explored every avenue that you can to try to add children to your family. Now imagine that you have completed every piece of paper required, given every blood sample, been examined by physicians, and analyzed and inspected by social workers and have finally been declared an acceptable candidate for parenting.
The wonderful and frightening day finally arrives when a precious child is entrusted to you for foster care. You are elated. You have waited years for this very moment. As the child is handed to you, you are told that this child is terminally ill. You are told that there is a chance for a cure, however. You decide to keep the child and give everything that you can to this child so that his time with you, however short it may be, will benefit him.
As you bond to the child and he bonds to you, you are completely and totally in love. You begin to hope against hope that the treatment for this child will be successful. You make visits to the doctor, twice a week. The doctor has a cure for your foster son. You are ecstatic! How long will it take to cure this child? The doctor indicates that the cure is very costly and requires that someone else sacrifice organs in order for the child to be cured. You want to beg and plead for that person to make that sacrifice to save the life of this precious child, but you know that this person needs to make the decision without any coercion. So, you wait.
One day, the doctor calls and tells you that he is meeting with the organ donor to discuss a plan for treatment for your child. The doctor, however, has to be honest and tell you that the plan may end in the potential donor’s refusal to help your foster child, and, if the donor refuses, your foster child may die, possibly even that very evening.
You pace the floor. You make preparations for the child to be admitted to the hospital that evening. You hold that child as often as possible and shower love and affection on that child, all the while with your heart breaking and tears streaming down your face. You would willingly sacrifice your organs to help the child, but you are told that you are not a match. You pray and you determine to love this child even more because his time with you may be so short.
The doctor calls and tells you that the organ donor has not reached a decision. There is still hope and the child may be treated, to be kept alive, while the organ donor continues to wrestle with the issues of sacrifice that may be required in order to keep this child alive. The doctor tells you that there will be other meetings with the organ donor in the future, but with every meeting, there comes the possibility that death for your foster child may be imminent.
So, you wait and you wonder. Will the potential donor make a decision to give your foster child life? or will your foster child be handed a death sentence that you will be helpless to stop? Every month, the doctor updates you on the discussions with the potential donor. Sometimes it seems as though everything will work out and your foster child will be saved. Other times, you can only see the disease progressing and wonder if anything can stop it.
Now back to reality. On an almost daily basis, foster parents struggle with the possibility of losing a child that they have come to love. For us, before he came to live with us, we were told that there was a chance that our foster son would be voluntarily placed for adoption by his birth mother, only then to be told on the day that he was placed with us that adoption was no longer a realistic hope, then to be told weeks later that adoption was still a possibility, then to be told that our foster son may be returned to his birth parents on the same day as the day they had to appear in court. Needless to say, we have grieved as though our foster son is terminally ill. With each court date we face the permanent loss of our foster son. Hey may not die in the physical sense, however, for us, his removal from our home will be the death of our connection with him.
This is not to say that we only want our foster son to stay with us and that no other outcome is acceptable. Should his birth parents demonstrate their ability to care for him and provide for his needs, physical, mental, and emotional, then that would be the best outcome for him and his parents. Should his parents decide to place him for adoption, but choose another family for him, if that family could provide for him, that would be an acceptable outcome. This post is simply to take you on the journey that a foster parent goes through.
The bottom line for me is not that we spare the foster parents pain and grief. I am more than willing to experience this pain if I know that I am helping a child. The bottom line for me, is to save the life of the child, but everyone involved should know that it does not come without a price.
Wow what an emotional journey.
Why did they snatch the kid from his real parents in the first place?
Legally Kidnapped, I’m not terribly familiar with your experience, but have come across your site before. I am sorry for your experience with the system. It is an imperfect system and can leave much heartache and many scars in the wake of its aftermath of imperfection.
For our foster son, however, the system is working very hard to return him to his “real” parents, however, I would have to say that we, too, are very real and are not figments of anyone’s imagination!
Although it would hurt more than words can describe, we would love nothing more than for our foster son to be able to live with his birth parents, provided that they can give him the basic level of care that he needs.
Confidentiality agreements keep me from being too specific regarding our foster son’s case, however, I can say that his birth mom and dad had some say in where their son currently is.
I am aware that there are foster parents and case workers who abuse the system and the children in the system. There are also biological parents who abuse the system and their own children. Although I am sure that my words will sound hollow to you based on your experience, I can assure you that our family wants nothing more than to provide a safe, loving, stable home for children who need a home and to help biological parents regain custody of their children, if that is in the best interest of the children.
I applaud the efforts that others take to improve the system to make it better for the children who are affected by it.
Not that I’m impressed a lot, but this is a lot more than I expected when I stumpled upon a link on Digg telling that the info is awesome. Thanks.
Okay – now that my foster daughter has returned to her biological father, – which I was/am fully in support of – How on earth do I cope with the grief and sadness that overwhelms me every day because I miss her so much?
My other children need their mother, – even more now because they, too are going through this loss – but my heart struggles to even get through the day. I know I need to take the time out to deal with my loss, withe the love I feel for her, and come to terms with it, but I simply don’t have the time, given the sudden increased needs of the other three children.
How do I do this?
Honestly, I don’t know how to get through grief while you have children who are also grieving. The only things I have to tell you are first to ask for help – explain to some of your more compassionate and understanding friends what you are going through and ask them to spend some time with your kids so that you can take some time to grieve alone so that you can them help them through their grief. Secondly, give yourself permission to grieve. Loss is ugly and it hurts more than we like to admit. I promise you that you will be healthier if you allow yourself to grieve than if you try to ignore the pain. Don’t get stuck in the grief, but acknowledge it and experience it – it will be important for your kids to understand that you are human and that loss hurts you, too.
My oldest sister died when I was 14 years old. I wish that my parents had allowed me to see their grief and to enter into it with them. They tried to be strong for the other kids, but what we really needed was for them to help us grieve by modeling what healthy grieving looks like.
You should be so proud of yourself for what you have been able to do – you were able to love someone even when you knew that there was a possibility that she might be taken from you. You risked a lot and lost a lot, but I know that she has gained a lot by having someone so committed to her at a time when that was exactly what she needed. No one knows the sacrifices of a foster parent until they have been one.
Thanks for writing this.
We accepted our first foster placement (one month old) in November, only because we were told that it was “almost definite” that the placement would become permanent. We were open with the worker that our goal was adoption. A week later we learned we’d been deceived so that we’d accept the placement….but it was too late, we’d already fallen in love, and our hearts had welcomed this little boy as our son. Since then, we’ve taken the roller coaster ride of foster care, being told different things each week and trying to roll with the ups and downs of this situation. Last week we learned that a family member is being recommended as a placement, despite numerous concerns about this person’s ability to care for our foster child and his siblings or to keep the children safe from their parents. We won’t know until later this week if the Judge approves this placement, but already of course our grieving has begun. How do I say goodbye, especially with such fears about where he is headed? To love someone so fiercely and yet have such little power to protect him…..it’s devastating.
I know it’s been quite a while since you posted….I hope you still check in from time to time and can offer some advice.
Thanks.
I had to hand my 4 year old foster daughter over to her biological aunt and uncle today and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. While they seemed like very nice people and it may have been the right decision for her, I was not prepared for the pain I am feeling right now. I loved having a child in my home so much, but I’m not sure if I should try this again. I think I got way to attached to her. You know in your head that you will have to give the child up, but I’m not sure it registeres emotionally until the day you have to hand her back over…….
Our county dss adoptions unit sucks!!!
We had to hand over a 14 month old angel that was in our care for over 12 months; an aunt showed up. We fully satisfied the requirements set forth in 366.26(n), but the judge seems to be in the dss’ purse. The pain is excruciating because we love her soo much. Our faith is trully being tested.
While I do not have foster children permanently in my home yet I do respite care for 3 days every weekend and in my past year of doing this I haven’t truly been affected by a child leaving until this week. A little baby who I’ve bonded with, had her first christmas with her, took care of her through everything is leaving to go back to her biological mom. Every person I tell that I do respite for commends me and tells me “oh you’re so great to do it” but I’ve always sluffed it off as its just something I love doing, its no big deal it doesn’t affect me, I always go in with a bit of a wall up so I won’t get hurt, but this time just feels different. I know now that its okay to feel those feelings but there will ALWAYS be more babies that need my love. Thanks for pointing out that its hard but we have to keep doing what we do because there is always the need.
So far, I’ve read only this article of your blog. Thank you for committing yourself and your time to this purpose. It will help many to work through the grief and help others to understand – if even just a bit more – what a foster parent knows so well…grief of another kind. After 16 months of pouring love and attention into our favorite little person, he went on to his uncle’s home.
I encourage anyone who wants to become a loving foster parent to do so, yet to do so with no expectation that the child will remain with them, as we had. I say this so that their own feelings of sadness, loss and estrangement will not consume them to the degree that so many others have felt – some vowing never to foster again. Our children are too precious and need us too much for us to ever say ‘never again.’ So, guard your heart as you give it fully.
I just lost my two foster daughters. It was better for them that they move, but the pain is deep. They were my daughters for 14 months. I love them dearly. Now, I look in the rear view mirror, and they are not there. There are no giggly girls dressed like princesses in the backyard. No one to chase in the park, or push on the swing. No one to run up and delightedly scream “DADDY!” as I run and scoop them into my arms. I feel like, no, I am, a bereaved parent. My only comfort in knowing, confidently knowing, (and not just as a platitude, for it springs from deep pain), that GOD lovingly directs our lives for his glory and our good. “And we know that all things work together for good, for those who love God and all called by him, just as he planned.” (Bible: Romans 8:28)
I, too, just lost my foster daughter. I had her from the time she was 5 weeks old till 9 days before her 1st birthday. All family had been ruled out in the beginning. When she was 7 months old her mother o.d’d and passed away. I thought that maybe she’d be staying with me. Only at the point of the mother’s death did the grandmother step in and ask to have the child. Heartbreaking. I feel the pain keenly. I am missing her like crazy. I hear a noise and think it’s her and it’s not. I know that she is now in a seemingly very unstable environment and I fear for her. I take comfort in knowing that God is in control and He loves her more than I do, but it still hurts.
There have been points where I thought that I couldn’t do this again. My sister encouraged me with a “yes, you can. There are other children who need your help.” She’s right. Lord willing another child will come along and I will love that child like crazy, too. No matter what child comes into your home, God has sent that child there for a reason. It maybe for a few days, a few months, or forever. Though it hurt to lose her, I know that God has used me in her life and her life and mine are better because of the time that we have had together.
I also am about to lose our little foster boy at 13 months of age. He is my great-nephew and has been with us since he was 4 months old after sustaining life threatening injuries. We thought he would be with us long term however the department (Australia) changed their recommendation and he goes back to his birth parents in 3 weeks time. We were a family that were seriously considering fostering a child prior as we have only 1 child (age 8), however am now wondering if emotionally I would be able to go through this again. It is wonderful to read all the comments from people going through similar situations (and some worse given the time they have had with their foster children). Thank you so much for offering your thoughts and advice.
I am going to court tomorrow for our relative care/foster daughter. I brought her home from the hospital and although I know her bio mother is not fit to raise her i can’t prove it in court. They are telling me she may get her back and I feel like I am dying. I don’t think I can stand the thought of losing her. I have not been able to eat for 3 days and I have made myself physically ill thinking about this loss. How do I hand my daughter over to a stranger? She is only 13 months old and she is so attached to me. I honestly don’t think I can take it. I feel like she is dying and I can’t stop it. I can’t protect her and that is my job. I feel like God is punishing me….
BrokenHeart,
Our story is very similar. I could not prove that biomom was unfit either. I too found myself questioning God. Almost five months have past and I still feel like I am dying inside, especially when you know your child is not being cared for properly.
I have wonderful friends and family who are there for me, but finding this site was a blessing. Just knowing that I am not alone, that someone else understands this pain, makes me feel like maybe I am not going crazy after all.
I want change. Who’s with me? There are too many foster parents going through the same thing. Old studies and old thinking needs to stop. Blood isn’t always thicker than water. I’m adopted myself and have lived an amazing life. Steve Jobs was adopted and look where he flew. What would have happened if his adoption fell through? We tried for a few years to have a baby of our own with no luck so we turned to the foster to adopt program in Elgin County (Canada). The training really doesn’t prepare you for the actual loss of a child. CAS when it comes down to it, looks at foster families as “babysitters”. A child being put up for adoption is always the last option and we are bottom of the barrel, very last choice. That has to change. Judges and courts need to see the other side. Foster parents need a voice in the process. We had a baby boy that we picked up right from the hospital at 2 days old. We too were told that he was going to be put up for adoption as soon as they could get it through the courts. Within a month, the story started to change. At six months, when society wardship is suppose to kick in, birth parents lawyers did a good job of fighting it and suddenly “had a plan to put forth”. Birth mom would move in with great grandparents and they’d work on getting healthy apart. Birth mom moving 3 hours away. She moved away from two other sons that were in foster care living with other grandparents near us. Birth dad supported the plan because he doesn’t want CAS in their lives. Our baby was 7 months old when they came to pick him up. One day before turning 7 months. Babies in care need to have different rules and laws governing them. They bond with their foster parents. So isn’t it splitting up familes by removing them during a crucial bonding time to put them back into a repetitive circle? In most cases, families in care have a couple generations in trouble. If they truly do want to break the circle and make a difference and protect kids then stop following the same path and change some of the laws and thinking and waiting periods. I couldn’t imagine having a placement for 2 years and losing them to an aunt that suddenly decided to step forward but stories like that have come to light too many times. Foster families are fantastic extraordinary individuals and the stereotypes need to stop. We are here to help raise strong healthy individuals. So let us do our jobs! Email if you agree. fostervoices@live.com
I recently lost my foster son who I had from the time he was 2 months to 16 months of age. Our case actually made it to adoptions, but the birthmom filed a 388 at the last minute, got services reinstated, and eventually got him back. I am proud of the birthmom for staying clean and finishing classes, but I still worry about his safety. She leaves at a homeless shelter and does not have a lot of resources at her disposal. I have a good relationship with birthmom and have actually had him almost every weekend over the last four months, but when I drop him off he screams, heart wrenching painful screaming. It is such a difficult situation, because I cannot move on. Many times he has come to me with fevers over 102 and I end up having to take him to ER, get medicine, etc. and he always acts like he is starving when I get him. I don’t want to back out of his life because I am afraid that no one will keep an eye on him, I feel like we are stuck in a nightmare. I think about him all the time, I feel bad for my other children, and I am always worried weather or not he is being taken care of and when I will get to see him next.
Anyone have any experience with a situation like this?
our story… http://andyherndon.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/oregons-welfare-trumps-childrens-welfare/
I too am losing my babies to the system. My journey has been a little different. I signed up with a private agency for adoption only. We were matched with 2 infants whose birth parents were in jail for multiple counts of dealing drugs in front of a school along with many other crimes such as theft, arson, and child neglect and abuse. Both babies had serious health conditions. After 6 months we were at our final hearing and everything was looking good. Then a few days later our nightmare began. The judge let the birth parents out on a plea deal for telling on other criminals. Thus we went from being adoptive parents to foster parents. The birth parents have been arrested multiple times over the last year. They have gotten kicked out of every service the state has provided them with such as drug rehab. Both parents were in jail again for the last several months and we were again told we would be adopting. Then last week the same judge decided to let the birth parents out again early to give them another chance to get their kids back. Although they are still using drugs and have not changed we were told that the state will be taking the kids out of our home in the next few days or weeks and give them back to the birth family. Yes, it feels the same as having a child die.
I will hold your family in my heart. What a terrible mess.
I know the laws are different in every state and by no means do I mean to give false hope, but in our case we were able to retain an attorney and petition for termination of parental rights because the children’s “goal” was adoption at that point. One parent contested our petition but was unsuccessful and our adoption was complete last month.
I am sorry but some case workers are ridiculous and have no sense of what is in the best interest of the child. One case worker of my foster children is not helpful and basically rude. Now tomorrow I have to let my five year old foster daughter go with her two brothers, sister, and their foster parents for a 4 hour ride to see her father in jail. He will be in jail for the next 3 years. The couple she is traveling with had her in their care but had the child removed because of severe fighting. It was reported that the boy of 9 years old had his hands around her throat. I asked the case worker why the parish was not transporting the kids. She stated that she would be driving and they would be following her. I asked in the kids would be in her care and she said that she would be there but that she was not sure about the kids being in “her care.” So i am up tonight worried about what tomorrow holds for my foster daughter. 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back is an awful long ride for a five year old along with siblings and adults that have not cared for her in over 7 months.
This case worker has done just what the writer describes about saying the parents’ being terminated one week and then the next about reunification with the parents. Now the case worker is pushing for the foster parents of the two boys ( the ones she is going with tomorrow) to adopt all 4 of the children including the 2 girls that are in separate homes. That would mean that our foster daughter would be going to a home that asked for her removal only 7 months ago. Our foster daughter went through 3 homes in 3 months. We were her 4th home. She is doing wonderful right now and has adjusted well. The case worker keeps asking and seeking to find fault with the child’s behavior. I think so she can say she is not doing well.
We love this little girl and want what is best for her.
Fostering is Hard.
With Gods help may my load be lightened.
I am giving it all to God. Its in His hands.
And asking Him to lead me.
Signed —- Prayful
I don’t know if this will be helpful in your case, but in our case the BEST thing we did is to develop a relationship with the Guardian ad Litem for the children. The G.A.L. has more clout than you do and can be an effective advocate for the safety of the children when Children’s Division is not listening. It may take some work to develop rapport with the GAL, but it was well worth it for us. She came to see our genuine concern for the welfare of the children in our care, heard our feedback and was an amazing advocate for their wellbeing. The GAL typically has a working relationship with the judge too, so his/her feedback in court carries some weight.
Good luck.
We had our first foster baby since she is a 21 day old baby and now she is 10 month old. At the end of November where we are supposed to complete the final stage of parental rights’ termination and go on to adopt her, DCS found a remotely related half uncle of the father who expressed interest to adopt her. Her half uncle has been estranged from her father for many years and they haven’t spoken for years. Their common birth father passed 17 years ago. He is a 30 year old male who does lawn and snow removal services with limited income. He lives in a rental house with another male room-mate who has a 3 year old son. When I dropped her off to visit him (forced by DCS), his room-mate was half-awake on the sofa and left his son in front of the blasting 52′ inches TV. There were toys everywhere which were choking hazard for her and the house was so cold with plastic covers on the windows. When I was leaving, his room-mate 3 year old son was banging a toy on her head. He doesn’t have a proper bed for her and intends to leave her to play in the Pack’N’Play overnight which is so uncomfortable for anyone. She has a beautiful room and crib in my house. It breaks any mother’s heart to have to leave your child in such an environment.DCS is recklessly endangering the emotional well-being of my foster baby by ramping up visitation hours which is emotionally traumatizing for her. She was taken away from us and forced to spend time with this strange man for hours and spends nights sleeping on a hard cushion of Pack”N”play instead of her bed. When she comes home from visitation, she is usually frightened, clingy and confused. Our court hearing is on Feb 1st and the caseworker purposely told us the wrong date but luckily our CASA was very good and told us the actual date and time for court hearing. Please pray for my family and daily strength. I have never cried so much in my life. I quit my job so that I can give this baby 24/7 care while my husband works full-time. This half related uncle said that he is lonely and wants to start a family but our foster baby is not an answer to his loneliness.
Madam,
I’ve been doing some research to try to lessen the impact of the wound the loss of our two foster kids might bring and I came across your blog. I know that maybe it has been many years since you went through all this but nowadays we are in this stage: these two boys, ages 2 years and 9 months and th other one is 16 months, have been with us for 11 months and we are waiting for 6 more months because it was the judge’s ruling for reunification instead of termination of his parental rights. they have previously been placed in another home bu they didn’t want to keep them. And for us, my wife and I this has been a blessing since we can’t have kids. It is been a roller coaster of emotions and I am amazed at the amount ofbtearsbi have shed. My ulcer, lack of breath and appetite, and sleep erodes me on a regular basis but I keep trying to be cool to support my wife. I feel that I’m dying inside day by day with this burning and poignant pain. The only time in which I come alive again is when I drive to pick them up from day care and I hear their soft and angel-like voice producing a high-pitched “daddy.” if you just could send a few words of wisdom and hope that would mean for me more air to breathe. Thank you so much for your courage and sympathy.
R.
R,
I am so very sorry that your experience is so stressful. Throughout our first placement, which was quite the roller coaster, two things sustained us – our faith and our friends. We were especially blessed since we had friends that had also fostered two infants and had them reunified. It helped us to know that we were not alone in our grief. We are also very close with two different families who lost teenage daughters. Their knowledge of the grieving process was a tremendous comfort for us. Surround yourself with those who can understand that this process is like losing a child, sometimes over and over again. I often feel that it is very similar to having a terminally ill child.
We are currently experiencing the same roller coaster with our second placement. A little girl who has been with us for 9 months. Her next court date is in May. She will have been with us for over a year by that time. We are just trying to be grateful for every day that we have her and trying to enjoy every moment with her, sometimes through tears. We are hoping that she will be ours forever, but have no assurances that will be the case.
You are not alone and you are not crazy for grieving as though you’ve already lost your babies even though they may still be with you. I have been and will continue to pray for you through this process. It is one of the hardest journeys any of us could choose to take.
Li,
I sympathize with your situation. When I read your words I could feel your heartbreak and worry for your daughter. I posted early that my foster son went to live at a homeless shelter…he was there for over 6 months. They dismissed his case from CPS about three weeks ago. I could not believe that the court thought his mom was stable enough to have the case dropped and now his birthmom recently left the shelter and is living in a motel. I too think of his wonderful bedroom and his crib that is empty night after night, meanwhile he is sleeping in a run down motel. It was hard enough picturing him at a shelter, now this new situation is even worse. I worry about him all the time. He is now 23 months and has been gone 7 months. I miss him every second of every day.
My heart is breaking for everyone who has posted here. We are losing our first placement in three days and I am absolutely sick with grief. The birth mother is very bitter and has made it clear that she does not want continued contact, and the caseworker is allowing it. My precious baby is 2 and I am a mess thinking about how confused she will be when I am suddenly gone from her life. I’m not sure I can go through this again. I’m not even sure how I am going to get through the next few days.
I am so glad to have found this blog, I too was a childless woman and took MAPP thru the state of Kansas we have had our license a year. Only did respite at first then took our first placement on Nov 29th. have had little contact with our worker or our foster son’s workers as they are understaffed but was totally taken by surprise when they told me that his father most likely will be moving him in with him on the day of court next Tues… my heart is broken.
I’d like to add that this little boy is just 2 yrs old, and has never spent more than an hour and a half with his dad.. I feel like I betray him some each time I drop him at daycare and every visit on Tues, he is fine when we take him but when we leave he throws a fit. I hope I have been able to gently tell him that one day we wont be coming to get him and that he will be staying with his Dad that day…. it is now coming round the pike and I am trying to be strong
I lost my foster child to the corrupt system and it is an awful feeling. After fostering for many years, a series of run-ins with a case worker led her to remove the child from my home for no reason except that she didn’t want to deal with me anymore. I had reported her to her supervisor for her attitude and unprofessional actions toward me and my family. The agency let the whole thing grow into a huge mess and offered me no support, in fact they accused me of things it would have been impossible for me to do.unfortunately, I couldn’t suggest recommend fostering to anyone , at least not in good conscience as the system is very corrupt and you are on your own if accusations or allegations are made. It is a nightmare no one should have to face and especially loving people who want to open their hearts and homes to children and offer them the love they desperately need. I love the child that was torn from my family more than anything and there really are no words to describe the sadness and heartache I deal with every day over being completely helpless to rescue him from a system that does not work in his best interest. I feel people need to know the truth about fostering before they get involved.
You do bring up a good point about the foster family/social worker dynamic. For many foster families, if the social worker is not performing his or her duties, there is no mechanism for them to provide feedback without feeling as though they could jeopardize the placement of the foster children in their home. This is just one part of the system that needs change and input from foster parents. I am sorry that you feel that you can’t recommend fostering to anyone. I do believe a lot depends on your local offices and the workers. There are many, many excellent workers in our county and I am glad to be a part of the system in our county. I don’t always agree with it, but I can recommend it. There are many things that I would like to see change, though. Thinking of writing about them, but have not had a lot of time to write in the last few years (as you can tell). So sorry that your experience was so negative.
Thanks for your response. I know for myself, I was very naive about the system when I first started fostering but quickly started to see some of the corruption on a much smaller scale early on but told myself for many years that I could live with what I saw because I was helping every child that came to my home. I do believe that still but my experience was so horrendous and upon investigating further, the things I’ve learned have brought me to the conclusion that I can no longer be involved with people who are daily ruining the lives of children for their own purposes.Each must decide for himself, but forewarned is forearmed. I will say that along with the pain of losing the child I also feel that I they have taken something that I believe I was called to do as well. I’m sure God will give me another avenue by which to fulfill His call on my life, but in the meantime we all, and most especially the baby I loved and raised as my own are suffering . As an adult I can understand what happened and choose to not let it get the best of me, but that poor child is trapped and at the mercy of a corrupt system.
We just lost our 16-month-old foster daughter yesterday. We had less than 24 hours notice and had, in fact, been contacted earlier that same day and asked to take in her brother as well. Instead of giving us the little boy, they took our foster daughter. Handing her over was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and my heart is still breaking. I’ve done nothing but cry since I got the call that they were taking her. She was so confused by what was going on and I couldn’t even explain it to her because she is so young. I don’t know how not to have her in my life; she has been steadily by my side since we got her and my arms ache from their emptiness. I find myself staring at the clock wondering if she’s taking her nap, eating her snack, if they rocked her to sleep or sang her favorite song. How do you go on with this kind of heartbreak? Your analogy above was spot on – my connection with her has died and I feel like I’m grieving a death. Knowing that I will likely never know what happens to her is one of the worst parts. I don’t know how to be a foster parent except to be all-in; that baby deserved all we had to give, and she gave us countless blessings of her own. Now she’s gone. How am I supposed to recover from that loss?
T,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am astounded at how very little transition time was given for your daughter. It was wrong for them not to have given you more time to prepare her and yourself. One of the many changes to the foster care system for which we need to advocate. I am praying for you. I don’t think that you do ever recover from the loss, you just get stronger and are able to carry the burden better the longer you’ve had to bear it.
Your analogy to having a child with a terminal illness is spot on. Yes, we take these children in knowing the risk, but how can you not help but fall in love with a child that you are charged with caring for 24/7. The half truths and sometimes blatant lies from CPS only give you false hope as your family’s life hangs in the balance. Foster parents are expected to give up everything – their privacy, their homes, their time, and most of all their hearts, and yet we have no rights, no ability to speak for these children that we think of as our own. I had my baby girl for almost a year, we got her at 10 weeks with over 15 broken bones. We nurtured her back to health, endured the doctors appointments, sleepless nights, painstaking bandage changes – that should amount to something. But it doesn’t. The days and weeks passed and we never knew how much time we would have left. Would it be a few days, a few weeks, tomorrow or perhaps another year. CPS would toss dates around like they were trying to schedule a hair appointment. We lived on edge constantly. We all suffered for it – my bio kids began having anger issues. I had weekly migraines and couldn’t sleep. Now she is gone and my arms ache for her. It is like a death in the family that no one else recognizes. There is no bereavement time given, People go on about how you did such a wonderful thing but they don’t understand the pain, the heartache. Our sweet Z was our first and last. We have closed our home. I can’t imagine doing this again, if not for myself than for our boys. The system is broken and those who deserve care and respect, the innocent babies and those who risk it all to care for them get none. I was actually told by my CPS worker while expressing emotion and concern about losing the little girl we were caring for that my JOB was to care for her until my services were no longer needed. My services. I guess by that she meant my heart and soul.